


He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

by Rose_the_Hat



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Dark fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:13:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1783609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_the_Hat/pseuds/Rose_the_Hat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Friendly neighborhood pharmacist Jared Padalecki falls in love with frequent customer, Jensen Ackles. He attempts to earn Jensen’s affections but when it appears that another man is stealing him away, Jared abducts the object of his affection and holds him captive. As the days pass, Jared must face the shattering realization of all he has done with tragic consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dark Fic. Read At Your Own Risk. I will not post any additional content/potential trigger warnings as they will completely spoil the story. 
> 
> Written for the 2014 SPN_J2_BigBang.

 

It was quarter ‘til ten and the pharmacy was empty. Pharmacist Jared Padalecki bent over the counter as he stared intently at the Sudoku puzzle. Always a bit of a night owl, he was more than at home in the empty store. The doors slid open which forced Jared to lift his eyes from his puzzle book. A man had just entered the store and by the looks of him he was pretty sick. His shoulders were hunched and his footsteps were shuffling. With great effort he lifted a basket from the stack just inside the door and disappeared down the cold/flu aisle. The quiet of the store was broken by the soft rock being piped through the store and the lone customer that sneezed and coughed. Deep hacking coughs that made Jared’s chest ache in sympathy.

A couple of minutes passed before the man trudged up to the counter. He hefted the basket onto the counter and looked at Jared through bleary bloodshot eyes. He sniffed and managed a weak smile as he handed over one of the plastic cards for the medicine that was now kept behind the counter. Jared found himself mesmerized by the sprinkling of freckles across the man’s fever-flushed cheeks and the bridge of his nose, and even the deep green of his dull eyes. Who was this man who came in to buy himself what looked like every cold remedy they sold? Why was he alone? Had he no one to run to the pharmacy for him? No girlfriend or significant other? If that was the case then it was tragic. In spite of the awful pallor, runny nose, and dark circles under his eyes, Jared could see the customer was handsome. He would love to see him healthy. Jared would bet he would be stunning.

“Plea—” The man broke off into a series of chest-rattling coughs. When the attack subsided the man winced and rubbed his throat. “Please.” The man’s voice was raw and he pointed to the Mucinex-D card Jared held. 

“Oh, yeah. Of course. I’m so sorry.” Jared flashed an apologetic smile and grabbed a box of meds from the shelf. Jared set the box of pills on the counter as the customer was trying to empty his basket of purchases. “Let me help.” Jared emptied the blue basket that had been filled with: Nyquil/Dayquil combo pack, Tylenol, Vicks VapoRub, Kleenex, Halls cough drops, and other necessities. 

“Thanks.” The man tugged a wad of tissues from his pocket and wiped his red nose and winced as he did so.

“You have a fever. How high has it been running?” Jared asked, as he scanned the items and placed them in a plastic bag.

The man sniffed and lifted a broad shoulder in a shrug. “Dunno.”

“You need to keep tabs on it.” Jared reached over and plucked a cheap plastic thermometer from the display near the register. He scanned it and tossed it in the bag. “If you get higher than 103 you need to get to an ER, okay? Any higher and you could begin to have convulsions or hallucinations. It could even be fatal.”

“’Kay.” The man swayed on his feet and blinked. Jared hoped he would be okay to drive himself home. Or maybe he had walked, or taken the bus. 

“$42.38,” Jared stated when he finished scanning the sick man’s purchases. 

The man struggled to pull his wallet from his back pocket. It took him a couple attempts before he was able to swipe his Visa. The register spit out the receipt. Jared slipped it in the bag and handed it over to the customer. Their fingers brushed and Jared felt a charge deep in his belly. He wanted to see the man when he wasn’t sick—clear eyed, well rested, and maybe clean shaven. Hear him laugh and see him smile. Listen to him talk. Make love to him. _Marry_ him.

“Take care now.” Jared smiled, hopeful that it would make some difference in the man’s mood for the rest of the night.

As the man left the store, a pang of longing hit Jared. If _he_ were lucky enough to be the object of that man’s affections Jared would take such good care of him. Wrap him in blankets, hand him the remote. Put a cold cloth on his head or hot water bottle on his tummy. Make him chicken soup. Give him meds on time. 

Once more Jared wondered if the man had someone to look after him. Jared hoped he did, but if he didn’t Jared sure wanted to be that person. Jared was an attractive and charming enough guy. He could make that happen. He _would_ make it happen.

* * *

A couple of days later, Jared was beginning his shift when the sickly but handsome customer returned to grace the store with his presence. Jared knew at once that the man was not feeling any better. Seemed like he _didn’t_ have anyone home to look after him. It saddened Jared, and at the same time pleased him. When the man reached the counter he handed over a ‘script for Penicillin.

As much as Jared hated to do it, this man was a new customer and he needed to collect information before he could fill the ‘script. “Can I see your insurance, if you have it, and an ID, please?” 

“Yeah,” the quality of the man’s voice hadn’t improved any since his last visit: husky and scraped raw. Jared wondered if it was what he sounded like during sex. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. From within he extracted an insurance card and driver’s license. He handed them to Jared.

“This’ll take a few moments to get you in the computer. While I’m doing that I’ll just send this back and have one of the techs start filling it. You have a seat there.” Jared indicated the row of chairs to the right of the pharmacy counter. The man, Jensen Ackles, according to his license, 6 ft 1 inch, born March 1st 1978, weight 173, eyes green, hair blond, Jared noted. Organ donor as well. It was a shame relationship status wasn’t listed, but Jared didn’t recall seeing a ring on Jensen’s left hand. Not that that meant anything. Maybe he didn’t wear one.

“Mr. Ackles, sir. I apologize for making you talk, but is this your current address?” He didn’t think so because there was no reason for him to come so far from Dallas, which was the city listed on the license, just to fill a prescription.

Jensen’s face twisted as he swallowed. “No. Just moved here. Haven’t—” He broke off, swallowed once more, cleared his throat and tried again. “Haven’t updated it yet. Is it a problem?”

It could be if Jared made it one, but that was not his prerogative. It wasn’t right for a little bureaucratic red tape to keep a sick person from getting their meds. “No. I’ll put this in the computer and the next time you come in we’ll update it then.” Jensen looked relieved.

Jared busily entered Jensen’s info into the computer. He was so curious about Jensen. He had just moved here. That certainly explains why he seemed to be on his own when he was so sick. What had prompted Jensen to move? So many questions. 

Once Jensen’s insurance info was in the computer Jared ran the ‘script through. “Mr. Ackles, my apologies again, but I need you to sign the HIPAA form. It just says your rights and our responsibilities. We cannot divulge your private healthcare information without your consent; basic, standard stuff.”

Ackles got to his feet and approached the counter. While he signed the form Jared rang up the Penicillin. “Do you have any questions for me about your prescription?”

“No.”

“And is this all for you today?” Jared asked.

“Uh…” Jensen looked toward the cold/flu aisle again. He held up his index finger and went to the aisle. When he returned he had a bag of Chloraseptic Liquid Filled Lozenges and Chloraseptic Spray. “Haven’t had Strep Throat since I was a kid. Sucks.” 

Jared rang up the rest of Jensen’s purchases and gave him the total. Jensen swiped his card. Jared handed him the bag and receipt. “You stay home and take care. Strep isn’t something to fuc—er, fool around with.”

Jensen gave a tired lopsided smile. “Thanks.”

Jared watched him go and hoped the next time he saw Jensen he would be healthy.

* * *

As it turned out, that was the case. Jensen came into the store maybe a week and a half later. He was dressed in deep blue sweats and hoodie with a whistle around his neck. Gym teacher or a coach at the middle school or high school maybe, just off work, Jared surmised. Jared, who was counting out Mr. Beaver’s Viagra, perked up. The store had a dozen or so other customers, a couple of them browsed while they waited for their prescriptions to be filled, a couple of teenagers bickered over what chip/soda combo to buy, an older lady looked at the greeting cards. There were two open registers at the front of the store. Jared probably wouldn’t encounter Jensen now that he was well. Five minutes or so later Jensen came up to the pharmacy counter and set down a box of One A Day Men's Vitamins and a bottle of Vitamin C and a bag of Haribo gummi bears. As if this man couldn’t get any more perfect he liked gummi bears. Jared loved gummi bears. They were _so_ meant for each other. He suppressed a dreamy smile at the thought.

“Mr. Ackles. You’re looking much better.” His eyes were clear, filled with warmth and intelligence instead of dulled by sickness or over-bright with fever. His dark blond hair was styled in artfully mussed spikes. Jared’s fingers twitched to reach across the counter, cup the back of his head and pull him in, taste those plump lips. 

“Thanks.” His voice was still a little husky, like he smoked, but it was low and sexy and did things to Jared. “I feel better.”

“I’d hope so since you single-handedly cleaned out our cold/flu aisle.” Jared flashed his most disarming smile. “This all for you today?” He began scanning Jensen’s purchases. 

“Yup.”

Jared tamped down on the little thrill it gave him that Jensen chose to check out at the pharmacy counter rather than the registers. Maybe it meant something. Maybe it didn’t, but Jared hoped it did. 

“How are you enjoying our little town?” Jared asked.

Little was a bit of an understatement--the entire population of Jupiter, Texas was just over 1,200. There were a few shops on the main street but if people wanted to shop they went to nearby Austin.

“Nice. Quiet. Friendly people.” The smile he gave Jared was like honey and it made Jared melt and fall a little harder.

“$24.89. Where ya from originally?”

Jensen dug out his wallet. “Richardson.” He swiped his credit card. “Went to college in Dallas though.”

“What brings you here?” The register printed out the receipt and some in-store coupons.

“Job at the high school and after a decade in Dallas I wanted to try life in a small town again.”

“Awesome. Welcome to Jupiter!” He slipped the receipt in the bag and handed it over to Jensen.

“Thanks.”

Jared watched him leave the store and admired Jensen’s bowlegs and tight round ass. He had to have him.

* * *

Sometimes after work Jared grabbed McDonald’s, sometimes it was Subway. Tonight was a McDonald’s kind of night. He tossed his keys on the side table just inside the door. After grabbing a beer from the fridge, he settled in with his food and laptop to do what he had been since he learned Jensen’s name.

He had learned so much about Jensen just by looking at his Facebook page. Chief among them being that Jensen was currently single and interested in men. He had also learned they came from similar upper middle class backgrounds, both were middle sons, with an older brother and younger sister. Even their siblings had the same first initial. It had to be some kind of sign. 

Like most people, Jensen posted a lot of random thoughts on his Facebook, shared music videos from YouTube and news stories of interest to him. All these things painted a clear picture of the kind of man Jensen was: funny, snarky at times, socially conscious, and intelligent. The posts Jared favored from Jensen were, of course, pictures, not that Jensen posted many but when he did they were the stuff of wet dreams. Photos of Jensen being a goofball with family, pulling faces at the camera; photos of Jensen getting rowdy and drinking beer with friends. Jensen sporting a dirt-stained wifebeater, jeans and cowboy hat in a corral with a beautiful horse. A thrill of excitement went through him. Jensen liked horses! Jared’s grandfather had left him a bankrupt horse farm. Jared got lost in a happy daydream of himself and Jensen living on that farm and working hard to restore it to its former glory. 

The photo set Jared was drawn to again and again was from an album labeled “July 4”. It had photos of Jensen playing guitar, surrounded by a group of friends. Jared couldn’t help but wonder if a couple of the men Jensen hung around with were an ex; that produced such a surge of jealousy and hurt that it left him gasping. They didn’t matter anymore, if any were an ex, Jensen was single now, and if Jared had his way he wouldn’t be for too long. His favorite picture of Jensen was one with a cigarette hanging from his mouth as he intently strummed his guitar. Jared just bet Jensen sang and he would give just about anything to hear him. 

He navigated away from Facebook and over to YouTube. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it before. He typed in Jensen’s name and user JRAckles popped up. Heart speeding up, Jared clicked to the channel profile. All that was written in the channel description was “Just a guy named J who likes his whiskey, food, and friends.” A man who enjoyed the simple pleasure of life. Jared sighed and clicked the tab to look through the couple dozen or so videos Jensen had uploaded. There were some videos of a dog chasing a Frisbee or tennis ball in the backyard. He could hear Jensen laughing and talking to his dog, Icarus, in that high baby voice people often used with animals. It was adorable. There was a series of videos of showing how Icarus’s training was coming along. Then Jared hit paydirt: five videos of Jensen singing and playing guitar with a small group of friends. Jared clicked play and was swooning like a bobby-soxer over Frank Sinatra. Jensen’s voice was gritty and soulful. It could woo ya and blue ya. Jared was a goner for sure. He converted the videos of Jensen singing to MP3 and loaded them onto his iPod. 

That night he jacked off and fell asleep with Jensen’s smokey voice in his ears.

* * *

Jen, as Jared had taken to calling Jensen in his thoughts, became a regular at the store, much to Jared’s delight. He would come in in the early evening—probably after work—and buy mundane things. He would always check out at the pharmacy counter. The only time he hadn’t checked out at there had been when he bought a pack of smokes. Jared had determined that Jensen was more of a social smoker and wondered who Jensen might be hanging around with after he bought the Marlboros.

Jensen laid a couple of bags of gummi candy, a bottle of vitamins, and box of Airborne on the counter. 

“Hey, Jen,” Jared greeted with a smile and began ringing the man up.

“It's Jensen,” he corrected with a scowl.

“My apologies.” Jared kicked himself for the slip of the pet name. “Having a good day?”

“Can’t complain.”

“Don’t want to get sick again, right?” Jared indicated the Airborne. 

Jensen raised a sardonic brow. “Right. It’s an occupational hazard, working with kids.”

“For me as well. Germ-ridden sick people always coming in. $28.32.”

That got a smile out of Jensen and Jared’s heart sped up. He would do anything to keep that smile on Jensen’s face. The man paid cash this time. Jared made change and their fingers brushed as he gave it to Jensen. Jensen had to feel that spark. How could he not? It was electric. 

“Have a nice night.”

Jared watched Jensen go, he wanted so bad to ask Jensen on a date, but it was way too soon. They only ever exchanged occasional small talk. He would have to take steps to get to know Jensen outside of the pharmacy.

* * *

Sunday night saw Jared in Jupiter’s only bar: JD’s Tavern. It wasn’t exactly a high-class joint but the beer was cold and cheap and the food was greasy and good. His long legs were stretched out in front of him, there was a pitcher of beer and a plate of chicken fried steak smothered in homestyle gravy and mashed potatoes on the wooden graffiti-scarred table. Brooks & Dunn were playing on the juke and Jared was halfway through his dinner with no sign of Jensen. He had hoped Jensen would come in here tonight. Jared supposed Jensen could have gone elsewhere, maybe to nearby Austin, if he wanted a more active night out, or maybe he had come in on a night Jared had to work.

Jared was finishing his dinner, and the bar getting more crowded as the night wore on. he was about to give up, pay and leave when the battered cowbell above the door signaled the arrival of another customer. Jensen came into the bar, but he wasn’t alone. A man with longish brown hair and a stocky build had his arm around Jensen. Jared felt all the air leave his lungs and his heart dropped to his shoes, leaving a hollow ache in his chest. Numbness trickled down from his crown to his toes.

“My kinda place, boy, but why do _you_ like it?”

“It has its perks,” Jensen said a sly grin and an upward tilt of his head.

Gloomily Jared followed Jensen’s gaze to see the bar owner JD Morgan facing away from the bar’s interior and into the kitchen talking to the head cook, his half sister Sam Ferris. There was no way Jensen could be talking about JD. JD was…he was _old_ and had a heavy, lined face and doleful eyes. Was he even gay? Jared had no idea. He had never thought about Morgan’s sexuality before, never had a reason. Maybe Jensen meant the food. It was pretty spectacular, hearty and sick-to-your-ribs. He couldn’t have meant Sam, because Jensen was gay.

Jensen’s companion slapped Jensen on the back. “Shit, cuz, you don’t waste no time, do ya?”

“A man has needs.”

Compelled to speak Jared said, “Hi, Jensen.” He waved a little too enthusiastically. 

Jensen and his friend (Jared sure hoped that the guy was just a friend) turned to Jared. Now that he could see the guy fully, he recognized him from pictures on Jensen’s Facebook. He was Christian Kane, Jensen’s cousin, must be visiting Jensen from Dallas. Jared let out a little sigh of relief, but couldn’t relax all the way because of the look Jensen had aimed towards JD. Jared tried to shrug it off. JD was way too old for Jensen to be into. Besides, he and Jensen were meant for each other. Jensen just had to get to know him a little better and he would see it too. 

Jensen looked at Jared, took him a moment before he was smiling, light of recognition in his eyes. “Hey, Pharmacy Guy.” He and Christian came over.

Jared extended his hand. “Jared Padalecki.”

“All right. Jared.” Jensen took his hand and gave it a firm shake. There was that spark, that sizzle that crackled along every nerve whenever they touched. Jared was reluctant to release Jensen’s hand and his smile faltered a bit. “This is my cousin, Chris.”

“I kn—,” Jared broke off, catching himself. Jensen had no way of knowing Jared had been creeping on his Facebook page. “I figured. There’s a bit of a family resemblance.” He shook Chris’s offered hand but released it more quickly than he had Jensen’s.

“Now that hurts,” Chris said clutching his heart. “Sayin’ I look like this fugly dude.” He ruffled Jensen’s hair. Jared’s eyes narrowed. He did not like Jensen being insulted, even in jest. Anyone with eyes could see Jensen was the most beautiful man in creation.

“Fucker!” Jensen playfully shoved Chris and smacked him upside the head. “You wish you were as handsome as me.” 

A spike of jealousy lanced through Jared at their easy camaraderie. Oh, well, soon enough he and Jensen would be thick as thieves. Jared just _knew_ it. And from that friendship, love would grow.

“Seems like you’re expectin’ company.” Jensen indicated the full pitcher of beer. “We won’t intrude. Have a good one, Jared.” 

“I’m not, expecting anyone. Well, I was, but they bailed on me,” Jared lied. He had ordered the pitcher intending to split it with Jensen, assuming he came in. “You and your cousin wanna join me? Y’all get the next round?” It wasn’t the perfect situation, with Chris the interloper, but it was better than nothing. 

“That sucks, man, but looks like you’ve already eaten. Maybe some other time.” Jensen’s smile was warm and genuine. 

Jared forced a smile and nodded. He felt as if his dinner was going to come back up. Wouldn’t that be a great impression to make?

“Besides, Jenny wants to sit at the bar and perv on the bartender, don’t ya?”

Jared’s face went flat and he shot daggers at JD, who was wiping the counter. So Jensen was interested in Morgan. What the hell? Jensen was into old dudes? _Daddy issues, anyone?_

“Still wanna have a drink with a faggot?” Jensen’s scathing voice cut through Jared’s thoughts. The death glare Jensen was giving him could have rivaled the mythical Medusa. Jensen had adopted a fight stance, legs wide apart, back straight, shoulders square, and jaw set. He was beautiful and terrifying, like an avenging angel. Jared felt a blush crawling up his neck and into his cheeks as he realized what Jensen must think when nothing could be further from the truth.

“What? No. I wouldn’t mind. I’m gay, too.” He flashed his most disarming smile. “Out and proud since ’98.” 

Jensen still appeared wary, but his stance had relaxed.

“So, partner,” Chris said to Jared. “What’s good to eat here?”

This was promising. Jensen was close to his cousin so if Jared could get in good with Chris maybe he could get in good with Jensen.

“Just about anything.”

“Well, all right. Let’s eat!” Chris sauntered up to the bar.

Jensen moved to join him. “Have a good night, Jared. I’m sorry your friends bailed on you. Must not be that good’a friends.”

“Thanks.” He flashed a smile. He thought it was sweet Jensen cared what kind of friends Jared had. Truth was Jared kept to himself. He still kept in touch with his old friends from UT but it was sporadic at best. “You have a nice night, too.”

Before Jared left the tavern he watched Jensen interact with JD. Bedroom eyes. Licking his lips. Slow, lazy smile. Yeah, Jensen was flirting. The idea that Jensen would prefer the middle-aged tavern owner over him was laughable, but still, Jared would have to take steps to gain Jensen’s affection and favor.

* * *

Jensen looked tired when he came in around eight on a Wednesday night. Jared hoped he wasn’t getting sick again. When Jensen was ready to check out, as usual he came to the pharmacy counter. There was a slight line at the two registers up front but no one at the pharmacy counter, besides the older man testing his blood pressure at the machine.

“Evening, Jensen,” Jared greeted as he began to ring Jensen up, a bag of gummies and a couple of Soup for One cups. 

“Hi, Jared.” 

Jared felt warm as he heard his name fall from Jensen’s lips. He thought about hearing Jensen say that to him every morning as he handed him his coffee and kissed him good morning. “You know, you buying Soup for One is tragic, because no way should a guy as nice and good-looking as you be spending his evenings alone.”

Jensen smiled and ducked his head. _Aww, he’s shy about his looks. So cute!_ Jensen gave a small cough and raised his head again, meeting Jared’s gaze. “That’s kind of you to say.”

“Not hard to be kind to you, and anyway it’s the truth.” He winked and totaled up Jensen’s purchases. “$7.56.”

Jensen handed over a twenty. Jared gave him his receipt, change, and handed him his bag. As much as he wanted to ask Jensen out, he thought it might be too soon, but he was encouraged by Jensen’s reaction to Jared’s compliment.

* * *

When Jensen came in again a couple of weeks later it was a Thursday, a slow day for the pharmacy. A couple of pharmacy techs and Jared were filling prescriptions, a couple of customers sat in the waiting area. He heard something being set on the counter but didn’t look up from counting out Mr. Kripke’s Lipitor. “Right with ya,” he called out, sliding the pills from the counter tray into the prescription bottle. As thrilled as he was to see Jensen he wasn’t going to let the man’s presence interfere with his work. After printing and applying the label to the bottle Jared bagged it and filed it away, ready for the customer to pick up.

He turned to the counter to see Jensen texting someone, a fond smile on his face. Jared really hoped he was texting Chris and not JD. Jensen had a can of shave cream, replacement blades for a Gillette Mach 3, and his standard monthly purchase of a box of One A Day Men’s Vitamins.

“How are you doing today, handsome?” Jared greeted, once Jensen had tucked his phone away.

Jensen exhaled sharply and looked away. When he met Jared’s eyes again it was with a tight smile. “I’m good, thanks.”

“Glad to hear it.” He rang up Jensen’s purchases. When he announced the total Jensen swiped his Visa.

“I’m sorry, Jensen, it says the card is declined. Do you want to try another one?” 

“Shit,” Jensen growled. “Damn bank is supposed to be sending out a new one because this one is set to expire. Guess they must have deactivated this one or something.” Jensen shook his head and put the card back into his wallet. He glanced at the total on the register and into his wallet. “Ya know, I’ll just come back after I get this sorted out.” 

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it for you.” Jared removed his own wallet and slipped in a couple bills to take care of Jensen’s purchases.

“Jared, no, really you don’t have to do that. I couldn’t let you do that.”

Jared handed Jensen the plastic bag, making sure their fingers brushed. “Don’t worry about it. It’s a community service, keeping you beard free; although, a little beard burn can be fun, don’t ya think?” He winked. “Have a nice night, Jensen.”

Jensen nodded and left the store giving Jared a lingering look over his shoulder.

* * *

Jensen set down an energy drink, a box of Visine and a prescription for acid reflux on the counter. “Hi, Jensen.” Jared took the ’script and typed it into the computer. “Be just a minute to get this filled.”

Jensen took a seat in one of the chairs beside the counter. 

“How ya been?” Jared asked as he worked. He had seen Jensen posting on Facebook about his dog needing a biopsy for cancer and possibly surgery after, or maybe euthanasia. Jared knew all about that, having lost his own lovable mutt Harley to cancer a little over a year ago. Jared’s heart ached after he’d read a post of Jensen’s where he was asking folks to send prayers and good vibes Icarus’s way. Jared wasn’t a religious man but he was sure gonna be doing some praying.

“’M alright.”

Jared snagged the bottle of pills needed to fill Jensen’s prescription and shook some out on to the counting tray. “You sure? You look, kinda, I don’t know,” he hedged, not wanting to give away that he had been reading Jensen’s Facebook posts, “down.”

Jensen dragged a hand down his face, his shoulders slumping, looking weary. It took a great deal of self control for Jared not to bound over the counter and take Jensen in his arms, tell him Icarus was gonna be okay, let Jensen cling to his white lab coat, and cry on his shoulder. “Just stuff, man.”

“Anything I can do to help?” Jared took the counting spatula and began counting out the correct number of pills for Jensen’s prescription. 

“No.” 

Jared finished counting the pills and looked up to see Jensen slumped back in the chair, gazing at his booted feet. “Well, if there is don’t hesitate to ask, okay?” Jared closed the cover over the open end of the counting tray and dumped the pills into the orange bottle. He bagged the meds. “All ready, Jensen.”

Jensen got to his feet and approached the counter, digging his wallet out of his pocket. “Should work this time,” he smiled but it was half-hearted.

Jared rang up the drink, eye drops, and the prescription then totaled it up. Jensen swiped his card.

“Success!” Jared said grinning as the charge went through, but Jensen didn’t say or do anything. The register printed the receipt and Jared placed Jensen’s things in a plastic bag. He hesitated before reaching into the breast pocket of his lab coat and took out one of his cards. “If you do decide you want or need to talk, gimme a call. I’m a good listener.”

Jensen took the card and tucked it into his wallet with the Visa before he put it back into his pocket. “Thanks, Jared.”

Jared handed over the plastic bag with Jensen’s things in it. “Have a good day, Jensen.”

“You, too.” Jensen said and left. 

As Jared watched him go, all he wanted to do was hug him and kiss away his frown. Maybe Jensen would call and he would get the opportunity.

* * *

Jared stared at the list of Jensen’s friends on Facebook and saw he had added a new one: JD Morgan. Jared clicked over to JD’s page. His relationship status was listed as “complicated”. Jared rolled his eyes and scoffed. What the fuck did that even mean? Either you were in a relationship or you weren’t. He had better not be trying to move in on Jensen. Jensen belonged to Jared. Jared looked through some of the posts on JD’s wall, nothing very interesting some pics of him, his dog, motorcycles, and some other people Jared recognized as working at JD’s Tavern. Looked like they were all related to him.

Jared clicked away from JD’s page and back over to Jensen’s. He was happy to see Jensen had posted a new pic, him and Icarus with the status update: “Tumor benign! Thanks to everyone for their prayers for Icky.” Jared smiled. He was so relieved, that even though it had been years, he made the sign of the cross over himself. His relief turned to something else when he read further and saw that Jensen had tagged JD in his post. “Thanks JD for giving me the name of Bisou’s vet. I really think she saved Icky’s life.” It sounded like they talked more than just casually over Facebook and pleasantries at JD’s Tavern. Had JD given Jensen his number? No, that wasn’t possible. Why would Jensen call JD over him? He and Jensen were meant to be together. Jared was just going to have to be a bit more proactive. He would have to ask Jensen out. Jared closed his laptop and stood, stretching. He glanced at the clock and saw it was nine. Not too late. Maybe he would swing by JD’s Tavern. Maybe Jensen would be there. 

Jared had a quick shower, sprayed on some cologne and headed out. He arrived at JD’s a little after nine thirty. It was Thursday, a bit busier than usual, people gearing up for the weekend; Bocephus playing on the juke, pool balls clacked, cheers of those playing darts occasionally rose above it, and the smell of beer and home cookin’. Using his height to his advantage he scanned the place, his eyes locked on Jensen at the bar immediately, he appeared to be alone, watching the football game on the TV. JD was at the other end of the bar pulling drafts. Jared wove his way through the crowd, smiling at people he recognized from town or work, to sidle up to Jensen. 

“Hey ya, Jensen,” Jared greeted. 

Jensen turned. “Hi, Jared.”

“How they doin’? Jared asked indicating the Cowboys game on the TV.

“For shit, as usual.” Jensen threw back what was left of the beer in his glass.

“Fuckin’ Romo. Can’t he just, like, break a leg or snap a tendon or something?”

Jensen threw back his head and laughed. God, it was a beautiful sound, vibrant and Jared wanted to always make him laugh like that. “That’s cold, man. Cold.”

“Hey, Jared. Usual?” JD greeted, taking away Jensen’s empty glass.

Jared turned hard eyes to the bartender. “Whatever Jensen is having, and bring him another, too.”

“No, Jared, that’s fine.” He laid a hand on Jared’s back and gave a couple gentle pats. “I need to head home. See ya later, Jeff. Jared.”

Who the hell was _Jeff_?

“Later, Jensen,” JD replied. 

JD? JD was Jeff? Jared had never given much thought to what the J in JD stood for. Jensen was on a first name basis with JD? Jared scrambled. This wasn’t how he thought this was going to go. He hadn’t stayed on top of things. He needed to move or JD was gonna move in on Jensen—if he hadn’t already, and Jared did not want to think about that. “Hey, Jensen, before you go, I wanted to ask if you wanted to have dinner with me sometime? Maybe see a movie?” Jared smiled waiting for Jensen to accept. Jensen threw him a curveball.

“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think so, Jared.”

Jensen said something else before he left but Jared didn’t hear it. The second Jensen’s polite refusal of a date registered, his ears had filled with white noise. His chest tightened and it was hard to draw breath. Jensen turned him down? Why? Did he not feel the heat or connection between them? How could he not? It crackled between them whenever they were together. 

“Here ya go, Jared. Can I get ya anything to eat?” JD slid a mug of beer in front of him.

Jared flexed his fingers, longing to bury his fist in JD’s face over and over until it was an unrecognizable pulp. He clenched his jaw and rolled his shoulders, squashing the violent impulse. He turned his gaze to JD. The bartender’s brows furrowed and he cocked his head.

“Ya okay, Jared? You look like you’re gonna be sick or maybe take somebody’s head off.” JD smiled, showing deep jowly dimples in his heavy face.

God, everything about JD was repulsive; his looks, his voice. There was no way Jensen could be attracted to that. _No way_. 

“I…I need to go,” Jared said, not sure it was loud enough over the crowd and music to be heard. He wanted to get home and think about where to go from here to get Jensen to see how perfect they would be together. He had time to come up with a suitable plan to woo Jensen.

* * *

Tuesday night saw Jared and a couple of pharmacy techs filling prescriptions, a couple of teenage girls were loitering near the cosmetics. Jared was trying to keep an eye on them in case they lifted something, but stopping shoplifters wasn’t really his priority, assuring the patient got the right medicine was. After counting out the correct number of Inderal for Ms. Smith and sliding them into the bottle, he looked up again to see Jensen waiting patiently at the counter. His stomach did that little happy flutter it always did when he saw Jensen. Jared applied the appropriate label to the bottle and handed it over to a tech to bag and put away until Ms. Smith could pick it up.

“Jensen, how are you tonight?” Jared greeted.

Jensen smiled. “I’m good.” Jared reached for the couple of items Jensen had in front of him so he could ring him up, but stopped short: a box of Trojans and a bottle of lube. He lifted his eyes to Jensen’s, breathing going shallow, heart feeling like it was one second from shattering. He was buying condoms and lube and he sure as hell wasn’t going to be using them with Jared. JD. Jensen was going to fuck JD? Or let JD _fuck_ him? Images of Jensen and JD tangled up in cheap sheets—because what other kind of sheets would a bartender have?—exploded in his mind in crippling 3D-IMAX detail. He felt light headed, like he was falling from a great height. He had no idea things were becoming that serious between Jensen and JD. Their Facebook posts back and forth were friendly for the most part, a few innuendos here and there, but nothing that had set off any alarm bells in Jared’s head. Had he known that things were progressing this way between the two men, he would have moved faster. As it was he was screaming internally at his stupidity. He had _seen_ firsthand that night weeks ago at JD’s Tavern that Jensen was flirting with the middle-aged bartender. The world had been knocked off its axis and Jared was tailspinning. Slowly wooing Jensen was no longer in the cards. Christ, he needed a plan and he needed one now!

“Jared? Ya okay? Jared?” 

Jared blinked and his vision cleared. Jensen was waving a hand in front of his face and gazing at him with an expression somewhere between amusement and concern.

“What? Yeah. Sorry, just got lost in thought for a moment there.” He forced himself to smile as he scanned and rang up Jensen’s purchases. 

“Didn’t look like they were happy thoughts. Ya kinda went all pale on me.”

“’M alright.” Jared hit the total button on the register. “$26.83.”

Jensen’s brows knit in a little frown before he fished a couple of twenties out of his wallet. Jared made change and handed him his bag and receipt. “Have a nice night,” he said, but his tone was a little too curt and he knew it, but, fuck, if he just didn’t have it in him to put on a convincing happy-smiley voice, not when he was still seeing Jensen naked and writhing beneath JD.

“Thanks.” Jensen took his bag and, with a last glance over his shoulder at Jared, exited the store.

Jared knew he was going to be shit for the rest of the night as far as work was concerned--his mind was going to be on Jensen and what he may or may not be doing with JD. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t cry off for the night, not without another pharmacist to take over his duties. It would have to be tomorrow then. 

_Fuckin’ JD. Bad choice of words._ That son of a bitch had gotten into Jensen’s good graces by helping him with Icarus. As Jared replaced the bottle of Inderal on the shelf and hunted down the Metformin, a rudimentary plan began to form.

* * *

Jared had worked for Sheppard’s Drugs & Sundries for nine years and for the first time in a couple of years he called in sick. He had worked a full shift in the pharmacy every day—except Sundays and holidays—for the last two years. He was more than entitled to a sick day or personal day. His alarm woke him at 5, he dressed in jeans and an old UT tee, stopped for coffee and began the long drive to the farmhouse where he had spent his teen years. He didn’t mind the drive. It looked to be a gorgeous day, the sky was clear, and the heat not too oppressive.

It was nearing noon when Jared turned his car down the long gravel drive leading up to the old house. He could see the peaked roof off the solid structure in the distance, growing larger. He came out here a couple of times a year, to check on the property and feel close to his grandfather. He brought his vehicle to a stop and shifted into park. He sat back and stared at the house, seeing it with new eyes. It was fitting he should be back at the place where he had been happy and known love. His older brother, Jeff, and younger sister, Megan, had got away from the place as soon as they could, but Jared always came back. He liked the peace of it, liked working with the horses, it was hard but also rewarding.

He got out of his car, joints popping back into place after the time spent in the car. The house itself was a little more weathered than the last time he had been here, more of the apple red paint peeling away to expose the coat of white beneath. The cross gabled roof was in need of repair, there were some shingles missing but it wasn’t sagging. He would have to make a more thorough inspection from the inside. Some windows were broken; teenagers, thinking the place abandoned, probably broke in to drink, smoke, or have sex. He pulled the little notebook out of one of his pockets and wrote down some notes. He was going to get the windows replaced ASAP, and the doors as well. He popped the trunk, rooted around in his toolbox until he found a tape measure. 

He took a lap around the house, jotting down window measurements, looking at the foundation, the chimney. There were no gaps, cracks or shifting. Around back was the barn and stables, both appeared to be in decent repair. A new coat of paint would really spruce them up. The same could not be said about the paddocks at the side of the house. The fencing was rotted and collapsing. 

Finished with the outside inspection, he moved to the inside. The porch creaked but felt strong and stable beneath his feet. The lock on the front door was busted and the screen door hung lopsided, screen missing. Jared’s chest tightened with emotion when he stepped over the threshold. He had been happiest here and there was nowhere else he could imagine spending his life with Jensen. The inside was empty of furniture. He had given away or sold what was left after his grandfather passed, having no need of it. 

He moved from room to room cataloging the damage, making notes. There was some minor water damage, mostly from rain that had gotten in through the broken windows. The hardwood floors were scarred but solid. The fireplaces were in good condition. There was some graffiti scrawled on the walls and initials carved in the doorframes but everything was easily taken care of. Some of the wallpaper was peeling from the walls, there were thick cobwebs and the overall smell of must, disuse, and warm wood. Beer and soda cans, cigarette butts, joints, and the occasional used condom littered the floor. He should have brought a broom, but he wasn’t planning to do any work on the place today, just inspect, and he was pleased with what he found. He would see to it the windows were boarded up, then replaced, new doors and locks, a No Trespassing sign (not that he thought it would do much good) would be put up. He would have to get the utilities turned on eventually and get some furnishings, but those were tasks he could deal with later. It was a good solid house where he and Jensen would laugh, love, and build a life together. He knew Paps would be delighted that Jared was returning after so many years, and with plans to make the farm successful once more.

Jared closed the house up as best he could then drove to the big home improvement store in town. With his list and measurements he picked out new windows, front and back doors, and locks. He arranged to have them installed on his next day off, which was Sunday. While he was there, he took several paint swatches to mull over. 

It was evening by the time Jared got back to his place in Jupiter and he spent the rest of it browsing the internet. In the course of his research he had learned that the internet, while useful, was also a frightening place. The ease with which he was able to obtain instructions for manufacturing certain drugs was startling. He decided against that course, although he did print out the instructions, just in case. After bookmarking a certain site for later use, probably sooner rather than later, he set about printing and filling out the 4473 he would need to purchase a gun. Then, satisfied with all he accomplished that day he went to bed and dreamed of Jensen.

***

A couple of days later, Jared, with appropriate papers filled out and permit obtained, he entered Alastair’s Guns. God bless Texas because there was no waiting period before obtaining a gun in the state. Not that it would have been a problem to wait. He still had a couple of weeks, maybe more, before he could move from planning and into action. The fellow who owned and operated the gun shop was knowledgeable and helpful. He presented many handguns and explained their pros and cons. In the end Jared settled on a sleek .9mm Taurus and a box of ammo; although, if worse came to worst he would only need one bullet.

Being a responsible gun owner, Jared locked the weapon away in a lock box, and placed it on the shelf in his closet before heading out to put phase two and three of his plan into action.

His first stop was Jensen’s house, having memorized his address from the pharmacy computer. He parked near the end of the block and waited. Jensen lived in a little one story bungalow with charming flowerbeds along the walkway that led to the porch, flowerboxes under each window, a trellis stretching up to the eave with big beautiful roses in bloom, and a new chain link fence. Probably to contain Icky, Jared thought.

He lost himself in a beautiful daydream as the sun began to set, painting the sky orange, red, and pink. He imagined walking up to Jensen’s front door. Jensen would answer dressed in wash-worn jeans and that gray Henley that he looked so delectable in. They would declare their undying love for one another, fall into each other’s arms. He would kiss Jensen breathless and take him to bed, make love to him over and over again until neither of them could move. The sound of an engine rumbling pulled Jared from his happy thoughts. The engine belonged to a big black GMC truck which stopped in front of Jensen’s. Jared sat up a little further in his seat. His heart felt as if it was being squeezed by some phantom hand. It was no surprise when JD hopped out of the cab of the truck. He was wearing slacks and button up shirt—at least he dressed up for his date with Jensen. _Date._ Jared’s stomach twisted when he thought about how their date was likely to end. Jensen opened the door and Jared watched as the two men embraced. They chatted briefly before they went back down the pathway, got into the truck and drove away.

Jared waited until they had been gone for a couple of minutes before he got out of his car and walked up the block. Not many people locked their doors in Jupiter, but Jensen—coming from Dallas—did. Still, with a lock pick it wasn’t hard to gain entry into the quaint home. He closed the door behind him and the click of claws on the laminate floor preceded Icarus’s arrival. He was a fuzzy dog of medium height and weight, a good sized dog. He saw Jared and looked at him for a moment, head cocked. Jared always had an affinity and special rapport with animals. He had even thought of becoming a veterinarian so he could work with the horses on his grandfather’s farm. “Hey ya, boy.” Jared greeted squatting down. “I’m a friend of your Daddy’s. C’mere.” Jared made kissy noises. 

Icarus bounded over to Jared, eager to greet him. He took that as a good sign and wondered how Icarus had greeted JD. He hoped Icarus had attempted to bite him. He hugged the dog as he licked Jared’s face and wagged his tail. “You’re gonna come with me for a few days. It's gonna be so fun.” Jared got back to his feet and gazed around. The house was nicely furnished in tones of brown and blue, a nice sized widescreen television, comfy couch, heavy wood tables. He moved from the living room down a hallway and into what had to be Jensen’s bedroom. There was a Van Gogh print framed hanging above the bed. The bed was unmade, but the covers had been smoothed out and turned back, like it was expecting an occupant soon. Or two. Jared shuddered. He moved into the room, Icarus on his heels, panting and begging for lovins. Jared absently patted the animal's head as he moved over to Jensen’s bedside table and opened the drawer; inside were the condoms and lube he had purchased, a couple of magazines featuring Daddies and Bears, a dildo, and a prostate massager. There was a desk pushed against the far wall and a closed laptop sitting on it. He thought about going over there and snooping but decided against it. He wanted to learn about Jensen from Jensen, and he would soon enough. 

“C’mon, Icky.” 

Jared returned to the living room and inspected the windows and screens. They were in decent repair. Jared chose the window that had a view of the walnut tree in the side yard and pushed against the screen, it gave way under the insistent pressure. He stood back to admire his handy work. Helpfully a squirrel with a bushy tail scampered by before hopping onto the tree trunk and scrabbling up. Icarus barked and lunged forward. Jared snagged the dog’s collar and hauled him back before he could escape for real.

Icarus gave a pathetic whimper and looked up at Jared with wounded eyes. “Yeah, I know, buddy, but don’t worry, you’ll get that squirrel one day.” He tugged on the leather collar and headed back to the door. “Let’s get goin’.”

Upon returning to his home with Icarus, Jared dug out Harley’s old toys and things to help make Icarus at home. He filled the water bowl with a couple of bottles of Evian and another full of Blue Buffalo kibble. “Enjoy, buddy. My home is your home.” He patted the dog on the head before heading out again. 

Jared drove into Austin to visit one of the gay clubs. He put the word in a few people’s ears he was looking for party favors. He drank his Chivas and enjoyed the eyecandy of the go-go boys. It wasn’t long before a well-built good-looking guy approached him.

“Hey, handsome, somebody said you were lookin’?”

“Only for _quality_ product.”

“That’s all I offer, man. What’cha want?”

“Some E and liquid G.”

The man nodded his head toward the backrooms. Jared sat his glass down and tossed the bartender a couple of bills. He followed the dealer, but not before putting a twenty into the thong of the go-go boy who had been eyeing Jared like a T-bone and shaking his ass for all he was worth.

Once ensconced in the darkened backrooms, with moans and grunts echoing down the hall, and the music fading into the background, the guy asked, “How much you need?”

Jared told him and the exchange was made. As the dealer was leaving, Jared grabbed him and held him up against the wall, using his height and weight to stare him down and intimidate. To any casual observer it looked like just another backroom hook up. “This better be as good as you say. It’s for someone very special to me.” 

“It is, stud, it is. You and your boy will enjoy the trip.” 

“If this hurts him? I’ll hunt you down, rip out your heart…and eat it.” Jared had no idea where the words were coming from, only that they were the truest words he had ever spoken. He would rather slit his own throat than allow harm to come to Jensen. He imagined Jensen would be scared at first, but after he got to know Jared, he had no doubt their incredible chemistry would take over and the rest would be history.

The man’s throat worked as he swallowed, eyes growing round. “It won’t, I swear. I never sell anything I don’t take myself.”

Jared held him for another few moments, eyes boring into the dealer’s before he let him go. Jared pocketed his purchases and left the club.

The next day when he returned to work, he gave his two weeks' notice at Sheppard’s Drugs & Sundries.

* * *

When Sunday rolled around, Jared was up early and on the road to the farmhouse, Icky in the passenger seat, head hanging out the window. “You’re gonna love it there, buddy. You, me, and your Daddy are going to be so happy.”

He had already arranged to have the utilities turned on a few days prior. The subcontractors were installing the windows and doors today. Jared wasn’t adverse to hard work, but it was beyond his skill level to do the job himself, and he thought things would go faster this way. While the windows and doors put in, Jared took care of some of the indoor work. Icky planted himself on the porch and snoozed away, seemingly unconcerned with the hustle and bustle of activity going on around him. Jared swept up the debris, washed, and primed the walls. That cool Wagner power paint sprayer he’d bought made the job go quicker than Jared had thought. He would hold off on decorating the interior, as it was Jensen’s house too, Jared didn’t want to make decorating decisions unilaterally, but he wanted the place to be livable. 

With the light dying, he stood back and looked at the house, even with just the new windows and doors the place was really shaping up. Next week he planned on painting the outside, then it would really look great. 

The next time Jared saw Jensen was on Wednesday evening. He came in looking positively dejected, worse than he had when Jared first laid eyes on him and he had been miserable with sickness. Jensen didn’t seem to be buying anything, he came right up to the counter.

“Evening, Jensen. Can I help you?”

“I…” He broke off, eyes meeting Jared’s, glittering with unshed tears. Jared could tell Jensen was struggling to keep his composure. “My dog, he’s missing.” Jensen handed over a flyer with a picture of a happy Icarus on it. “Have you seen him around, maybe? Or anyone else in the store?”

“Aww, cute puppy. I’m sorry, Jensen, I haven’t seen him. I wish I had. I will keep a couple of these and ask everybody that comes in, okay?”

Jensen looked at him with a soft expression and it almost had Jared confessing…everything. “Thanks, Jared.”

“How long’s she been missing?”

“He. And when I got home late Friday night. There was a screen knocked out of the window and Icarus was…he was gone.”

“I’m sorry, Jensen.” And he was, so sorry for hurting Jensen like this, but it would pay off in the end. “I will keep an eye out for him, and, hey, maybe he’ll find his way home. I can’t imagine anyone running away from you.”

Jensen just nodded before turning and leaving the store.

* * *

Jensen sat a package of Twizzlers, a bottle of Bayer, and tub of Icy Hot down onto the counter. Jared bagged and put away Mr. Collins’ Symbyax. “Evenin’, Jensen.” Jared stepped up to the counter. “How are ya?”

Jensen smiled, but it was a shadow of what I used to be. Jared knew that was because Icarus was still missing. “I’m okay.” 

“You don’t sound like it. The pup still missing?” Jared averted his gaze and scanned Jensen’s items. The sadness in those amazing eyes and turning his kissable lips into a permanent frown was more than Jared could take, but he had to stay the course. It would all pay off. The repairs and improvements on the farmhouse were finished. Anything else that needed to be done wasn’t urgent and could wait until he and Jen could do them together. It filled him with such a sense of excitement and happiness, he and Jen working together to make their house a home. Jared had gone out there the previous Sunday to paint the exterior. Instead of the chipped and faded red, the farmhouse was a lovely shade of buttery yellow with apple red trim. The new windows looked great against the bright trim. The doors were strong and solid, the locks unbroken, so it didn’t appear as if any kids had tried to break in, perhaps realizing that the place was no longer unoccupied. He planned on one more trip out there to move in some furnishings and stock the cabinets. Then everything would be ready. 

Jensen coughed and rubbed a hand over his mouth before he spoke. “Yeah, Icky’s…Icky’s still gone. I’m…I’m beginning to….” Jensen blinked and looked away, but not before a tear slipped down his cheek. Jared tamped down on the urge to cradle Jensen’s face in his hands and wipe that tear away. “I’m beginning to think he’s not coming back.”

That was it. Jared turned and headed for the door that led from behind the pharmacy counter and into the main part of the store. Jensen stood looking lost when Jared reached him. He put an arm around the man’s shoulders and led him out of the store, Jensen going where Jared directed.

“Hey, moose! Where do you think you’re going?” Mr. Sheppard, owner of the store, called after Jared.

“Little crisis here to take care of. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes.”

Outside, Jared directed Jensen around the side of the store. “Hey, look at me, Jen. Icarus is fine. I believe that. You gotta believe it too.”

“I’ve looked everywhere for him, Jared. Everywhere.” Unable to resist, Jared wrapped Jensen in a warm hug. It took a minute but Jensen returned the hug. Another minute and Jensen was crying on his shoulder.

“It’ll be okay, Jen. I know it will.” Jared held Jensen as he cried. He ached to kiss him, but knew that would be going too far. Jared whispered any and all manner of reassurances to Jensen as the man vented his worry and grief. “Maybe he found a girlfriend and that’s why he hasn’t come back. Stay positive. I know it’s hard, but you have to.”

It didn’t take Jensen long to get himself back under control and when he did he pulled from Jared’s embrace, leaving Jared feeling bereft. “Shit. I got snot and tears all over your lab coat.” He wiped a fist across his eyes.

“Oh, this ol’ thing? I only wear it when I don’t care how I look.”

Jensen gazed blankly at him. Jared tossed his head, sassy and over the top, and pursed his lips and sucked in his cheeks in an attempt at Blue Steel. The corners of Jensen’s mouth twitched before he burst out laughing and it was a bright beautiful sound, it lit up his eyes, made him look younger. “Thanks. I needed that,” he said once his laughter subsided.

Jared shrugged. “If it made you feel better then I’m happy.”

Jensen gazed at Jared with fond eyes. “You’re a nice guy.”

“Nice guys finish last.” Try as he might Jared couldn’t keep the note of derision out of his voice.

Jensen gave a soft lopsided smile. “Not always, Jared.”

Hope exploded in his chest. Jared just _knew_ when he got Jensen to their home everything was going to fall into place


	2. Chapter 2

It was Icarus’ last night with Jared. He thought giving the dog back would be easy—especially after Jensen had broken down a couple of days ago—but Jared had grown incredibly attached to the animal. He had forgotten how much fun it was to have a dog around the house. After Harley died Jared sworn off animals, never wanting to go through that pain again, but having Icky around made him remember the joys rather than pain. Before work Jared would take him to the dog park the next county over and let him burn off all his energy. He had unsealed Harley’s old doggy door so Icky could do his business in the backyard while Jared was at work. After work, Icky greeted Jared with happy whines and a wagging tail, eager for lovins and treats. Jared knew that he had to return him though. This was the vital step, the one that would set everything into motion.

Jared stood in front of the backdoor, Icarus beside him looking up at Jared with a curious expression. Jared got down on one knee and hugged the dog. “I’m gonna miss ya, buddy.” He said pulling back and scratching behind the dog’s ears. “It’s been great having you here, but it’s time to take you back to your Daddy.”

Jared led Icarus outside into the backyard and over to the firepit. For the last couple of days Jared had been dumping some leftovers and garbage into it. “Just gotta do one thing before I take you back home.” 

Icarus sniffed the hole before rolling around in the soot and garbage until his pale coat was covered in muck and reeked. 

“Okay, boy. You ready to go back to Daddy Jensen?”

Icarus barked his assent. 

Jared parked the car in front of Jensen’s house, light filtered out through the curtains in a warm welcoming glow. Jared clutched one of the flyers Jensen had brought to the pharmacy when he first noticed Icarus was missing. He unclipped the leash and removed the dog’s collar, and shoved them under the passenger seat. He got out, slapped his thigh and Icarus jumped out. Together they walked up the little path to the door. 

Jared lifted a fist and knocked on the door. A few moments later it opened and Jensen was there looking edible in gray knit pants and a wifebeater.

“Jared? Wha—?” Jensen was cut off by Icarus raising up on his hind legs to give Jensen a doggy hug and kiss. 

Jared’s lips parted in a huge smile, his heart feeling light. “Is this your dog?”

Jensen looked astounded as he hugged the filthy smelly animal back. “Jared…how…where?”

“I went to Subway after work and saw him sniffin’ around the dumpster. I remembered his picture from your flyer.” Jared held up a crumpled flyer in one hand.

“Whew! You stink, Icky.” Jensen said after he finished welcoming his dog back home. Icarus barked and trotted into the house, Jensen watched him go with a fond expression.

“Nothing a trip to the groomer can’t fix.”

“Jared, man, thank you. Thank you _so much_.”

Jared waved him off but his heart was pounding a tattoo against his ribs at the way Jensen was looking at him. Just a little time alone would _guarantee_ Jensen always looked at him that way. It was going to be so great! “It’s okay. Glad I could help.”

“Is there anything I can do to repay you? I was gonna offer a reward….”

“No, no man. Maybe go for a beer? Game of pool?”

Jensen smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling adorably. Who knew crow’s feet could be sexy? On Jensen everything was sexy, from his bowlegs, to his freckles, and his one lazy eye. Sexy. “Sure, Jared. That’d be great.”

Inwardly Jared was screaming with joy, but he kept an outward calm and cool. “Awesome. I know this great joint over in Howell. It’s about a twenty minute drive. I’ll pick you up at 8? Maybe earlier? I’ll even buy you dinner.” He winked.

Jensen’s smile faltered. “Jared…I’m more than happy to have a beer or shoot pool with you, but just as friends. Okay? You seem like a great guy, but I’m not interested in dating you. JD and I kinda have a thing going on.”

“You and JD, huh. Didn’t know he was gay.”

“He’s…not. It's…it's complicated.”

Jared arched a brow. He just bet it was, as JD was technically still married and had two sons—one he rarely even saw. Oh yeah, Jared had done some checking into JD and come to the conclusion that no way was JD worthy of Jensen’s love. Not that it mattered. Now that the farmhouse was ready, he would get Jensen alone and everything would fall into place.

“Beer and pool it is then.” He smiled his brightest, sunniest smile. He had to get Jensen to agree to the bar in Howell. Too many people would be at JD’s Tavern and see them together. “But seriously, this place I found has the _best_ ribs. You don’t come you’re gonna miss out.” Jared clicked his tongue and shook his head mournfully before going for the coup de grâce. “Better than your Momma makes, I’ll bet.”

“You better not be insultin’ my Momma’s cookin’, Stretch.”

“True is true, Jensen,” Jared egged him on, like a lure to a fish. Jensen was gonna bite, Jared knew it.

“You’re on then. Beer, barbeque, and pool between friends. Eight Saturday?”

“Sounds great, dude.”

It was beyond great. It was magnificent. _Glorious._

* * *

Hanks was a dive if there ever was one, but it was a dive with cold beer and awesome food. Jared didn’t get to come here often and he was glad he could share it with Jensen. Just one of many things he would share with his future lover. Watching Jensen eat ribs, the obscene moans he made, and licking the thick sauce off his fingers, had been a special kind of torture. Jared nearly creamed his jeans twice during dinner. Conversation had flowed smoothly between them. While Jensen hadn’t told him anything Jared hadn’t read on his Facebook page, it was good to hear it in Jensen’s own words. No way Jensen wasn’t feeling the connection between them. That was good. It would make everything else so much easier.

“Did I tell you or did I tell you?” Jared said after Jensen let out a hearty belch.

He blushed as he covered his barbeque stained mouth with a napkin. “You did and damn if you weren’t right.” Jensen pushed away from the scarred wooden table and patted his belly. “I don’t know what they do or what’s in that rub and sauce, but, _goddamn_. I want to eat more only I have no room. Shit, the meat fell off the bone. And the burnt ends! How did you find this place man?”

“Went on a road trip to Vegas with a friend years ago. We passed though here.”

“Road trip? Cool.” Jensen finished his beer. “Did what happened in Vegas stay in Vegas?”

“All that happened in Vegas was Chad and I got ate up by bedbugs and I lost my tuition for the next semester playing poker.” Jared shook his head at his stupidity. If his grandfather hadn’t helped him, he might not have been able to go back to school. “So, pool?” Jared motioned with his chin toward a free table. 

“If I can move.” Jensen poked his belly.

“You rack ‘em and I’ll get a round of shots. Tequila time!”

“Aw, Jay, man, I dunno. We’ve already split a pitcher of beer. Someone is gonna need to be able to drive.”

It made Jared’s heart skip a beat when Jensen called him “Jay.” “I’m good, Jen. Besides you need to celebrate Icarus’s triumphant return.” Jared stood up. “Nine Ball. Loser buys next round.” He winked and without waiting for Jensen’s reaction, went to the bar, and ordered up a couple of tequila shots. 

After the bartender poured the shots and turned to help another customer, Jared glanced over to see Jensen racking the balls. Jared slipped a vial of liquid from his jeans pocket and emptied half of it into one of the shots. In the course of his research, Jared had learned that what he was spiking Jensen’s drink with didn’t go well with alcohol, but he wanted Jensen to be relaxed enough so he wouldn’t fight when Jared took him to their home. _Their_ home. Jared couldn’t wait to get started on their new life together.

He set the shots down on a nearby table and handed the one he had slipped the drug in to Jensen before taking one for himself.

“To Icarus,” Jared said.

“And to you, who found him.” Jensen downed the shot. He looked at the empty glass. “Smooth,” he remarked.

Jared shrugged. “I just happened to be at the right place at the right time.” Jared knocked back his own shot. He sat down his empty glass beside Jensen’s and picked up a cue. “You break.”

As they played pool Jared kept a close eye on Jensen. He could tell the moment the drug hit him, his eyes went glassy and half mast and his movements became uncoordinated. Time to take Jensen home. A little thrill of anticipation raced down his spine. 

“All right, Jen. Time to go, buddy.”

Jensen lifted his eyes to Jared, blinking slowly. “Hmm?” He made a half-hearted attempt to sink the five ball before he stood up and ran a hand through his hair. “S’good idea. I don’ feel s’good. Kinda sleepy.”

Jared slung an arm around Jensen’s trim waist, feeling the muscles flexing under the thin cotton, as he took the other man’s weight. “I got ya. I’mma take good care of you, baby.” Jensen nearly tripped over his own feet as they started to move towards the door. He felt Jensen’s warm moist breath on his neck and his cock twitched. “Such good care.”

Jensen’s head lolled to the side and he had a silly little smile on his lips. “You’re ‘n okay guy, J-rod.” Jensen giggled and gave Jared a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Jared’s skin burned where Jensen’s lips had touched him.

“You’re such a lightweight, dude.” Jared walked them through the door and out into the hot night.

“No, ‘m not.” He sounded pouty and adorable. Jared guessed using only a small amount of the drug combined with the alcohol was having the effect Jared desired. 

Jared got them to his car and sat Jensen into the passenger seat and buckled him in. He couldn’t believe it. He had Jensen. All his weeks of planning had come to fruition. Now, to take him home and start their life together.

* * *

For the first part of the drive Jensen was giggly, but as they passed through west Texas and into New Mexico he began to mellow out. By the time they pulled into the circular turn around in front of the big two story farmhouse Jensen was dozing in the passenger seat. Seems the dealer in the club hadn’t lied his stuff was good. It wouldn’t take much to tip Jensen over from lust to love. Just a little quality time and lovemaking.

It had been a bit of a struggle getting Jensen in the house and up the stairs and Jensen had tried to push Jared away when he began to undress him. When he had asked where he was Jared told him the truth: home. Jensen became pliant after that and Jared continued to undress him before laying him down on their bed. Now, he stood gazing at his soon-to-be-lover, feasting his eyes on the beautiful flesh bared for him. Jensen lay on his stomach, his charcoal gray boxer briefs his only remaining clothing, cheek pressed into the pillow, eyes closed, ashen lashes fanned across his cheekbones. His plush lips were parted with his slow even breaths. He looked so perfect, so comfortable, as if he was supposed to be there. Jared ached.

Jared stripped out of his tee and shucked out of his jeans. He licked his lips and approached the bed, nervous as a virgin. His breathing was shallow and his hands shook. This is not the way he imagined their first time being, he wanted Jensen more awake and aware, but Jared couldn’t wait any longer to make Jensen his.

Jared climbed onto the bed, mattress dipping under his weight. He laid down next to Jensen, gazing at his beautiful sleeping face. His breath caught in his chest, all his planning and they were finally here. Together. Breath coming in shallow pants, Jared leaned in and kissed Jensen’s slack mouth. Jensen didn't react, much to Jared’s disappointment. He pulled back breaking the kiss.

“I love you so much, Jen. I’m going to make you so happy. We’re gonna have a great life here.” He caressed Jensen’s face before leaning in and kissing him again. Jensen sighed and his lips parted. Jared’s heart thudded as he slipped his tongue inside, tasting Jensen for the first time. He tasted spicy and hoppy from the ribs and beer but underneath there was a unique flavor that was all Jensen. Jared was instantly addicted. He deepened the kiss, licking all the excess flavor from Jensen’s mouth to get at it. A thrill of arousal went through him when Jensen began to respond. It was sleepy and uncoordinated but perfect. Jensen wanted this. Wanted him. Jared lost track of how long they kissed. He pulled back panting for breath, head spinning. Jensen whimpered when the kiss was broken. Jared soothed him by running his fingers through his hair. _So soft._ There was such softness and vulnerability in seeing Jensen like this. If anyone ever threatened or harmed Jensen, Jared would be very easily moved to violence.

With gentle hands he rolled Jensen onto his back. He pressed himself close to his lover, kissing and nibbling his neck, hands roaming across Jensen’s chest, not as muscular as his own, but trim with nice definition. Jensen sighed and shifted against him, turning his head and giving Jared better access for his kisses. Heat and want washed over Jared. His blood ran south and anticipation simmered in his belly. He had waited for so long to have Jensen like this, he wanted to take it slow but he wasn’t sure he could. When he rubbed his fingers over Jensen’s nipple Jensen moaned and arched into the touch. Jared paused for a moment, looking at the play of expressions across Jensen’s face.

“You like that, baby?” Jared brushed his thumb across the hardening numb. Jensen moaned again, a little louder. “Yeahhhh,” Jared breathed, drawing out the word, rocking his hips against Jensen’s thigh in search of a little friction for his growing erection. 

Because Jensen wanted it, because Jared couldn’t resist and because he’d always been a considerate lover, he dipped his head licking and sucking one nipple until Jensen began to squirm, before giving the other the same attention. He slid a hand down Jensen’s torso to cup his hand on his half hard cock, rubbing and squeezing it to full arousal. He stopped his attention on Jensen’s nipples to hook his fingers into the waistband of Jensen’s boxers and tug them down and off. Of course Jensen would be beautiful here as well; thick cock flushed where it rested against his thigh, a little pearl of precum welling at the tip. Jared’s mouth watered. His own cock twitched. 

He slid is hands up Jensen’s thighs, one hand cupped his balls the other gripped the base of his cock as he sealed his lips around the head, lapping tasting salty sweet, not bitter at all. Jared’s eyes rolled in their sockets before he closed them, working Jensen’s cock, sliding up and down the shaft. Jensen’s chest rose and fell with his heavy breaths and the little moans that escaped his parted lips. Jensen rolled his hips, cock pushing deeper into Jared’s mouth and throat. Jared took it easily, relaxing his throat and letting Jensen fuck his mouth while he tugged and massaged his balls with his other hand. Jensen keened and Jared felt his balls pull tight he backed off, squeezing the base of Jensen’s cock hard to stave off the impending orgasm. 

Jared glanced up to see Jensen panting, his eyes dazed and half mast. Jared kissed him, all teeth, heat, and hunger. He pulled back, Jensen’s eyes were closed and Jared felt a little pang of disappointment. He pushed it away. He rose up, straddling Jensen as he reached into the night table to retrieve the bottle of lubricant. His gaze raked down Jensen’s body and he had to take a deep breath because he could blow his load just looking at his lover. He grabbed a pillow and placed it under Jensen’s hips to get a better angle. He reached for the lube again and his hands shook as he coated his fingers with lube. He kissed the spur of Jensen’s hip before pushing one slick finger into Jensen’s tight heat. Jesus, fuck. _So tight. So perfect._ He wanted nothing more than to be inside; his patience was fraying with each thrust of his finger. Jensen sighed and shifted a little, legs falling open even wider in invitation. Jared bent and kissed along Jensen’s happy trail, up to his navel, every ridge of his abs until he reached to a nipple. He circled the bud with his tongue before sucking on it. Jensen arched up and his hips thrust down. Jared bit his lip as he pushed two fingers into Jensen’s body. That drew a little hiss from Jensen and he shied away. 

“Shhh.” Jared petted his side, pausing with his fingers buried inside Jensen’s ass. “S’okay. I’d _never_ hurt you, Jen, baby.” He crooked his fingers, angling for Jensen’s prostate. Jensen moaned and his lashes fluttered. Jared’s fingers move smoothly in and out, brushing against Jensen’s sweet spot every other push inside. Jared took himself in hand, stroking, to ease the ache. Jensen undulated his hips. A flush rose from his chest to his neck, creeping up to Jensen’s cheeks. His breathing deepened, and more of those sweet noises bubbled from between lips.

Jared slipped in a third finger, and Jensen whined and shifted restlessly on the bed. His hands fluttered, as if unsure what he should be doing with them. His eyes move rapidly beneath his closed lids. “So gorgeous. God, Jen, baby. Can’t wait. Want you so bad.”

He removed his fingers from Jensen’s body and grabbed the lube again. He slicked his cock, took a deep breath before beginning the slow push inside. Despite his time and care opening Jensen up Jensen tensed, and tried to twist away. Jared gripped Jensen’s hips and held him still.

“Easy, baby. S’alright. It’s alright.” He kept pushing in until his hips were snug against Jensen’s ass. It was overwhelming, hot and tight and perfect. Overwhelmed with love for Jensen, Jared bent and kissed him. Jensen responded, mouth opening for Jared’s tongue. Jensen’s tongue moved against Jared’s in a lazy dance. Jared squeezed his eyes shut, and emotion swelled inside. He’s wanted this since he first saw Jensen and now he had it. It was more than he could bear. Tears leaked out of his eyes and he sobbed against Jensen’s mouth. 

He rolled his hips, feeling—Jensen’s inner walls around him; gripping, massaging and urging him to thrust. He wanted to go slow, didn’t want to hurt Jensen, but it’s all so damn perfect and his control was fraying. He rocked his hips, testing, eyes never leaving Jensen’s face. Jensen’s lips parted on a sigh and Jared took that for permission. He started slow, cognizant of his size, but Jensen was relaxed, open and slick from Jared’s prep, shallow little thrusts that build until instinct took over and he was fucking hard and deep into his pliant lover. Jensen writhed under him, breathing erratic, and flush deepening on his chest and neck. His cock, hard and dripping when Jared wrapped his hand around it. Jensen moaned and bucked his hips. He could feel his own orgasm rising inside him. He worked Jensen’s cock harder, twisting his wrist under the crown, and swiping his thumb across the leaking tip. Jensen’s body seized, muscles clamping down before a scream ripped from his throat, eyes flew open to meet Jared’s as Jared pounded relentlessly into him. 

“God, I love you,” Jared said; it’s a harsh stuttered whisper, and it probably didn’t get through to Jensen’s conscious mind before his eyes closed once more and his body jerked with aftershocks, making little helpless whines. Jared’s thrusts lost their rhythm. His balls tightened and drew up. With a deep rumbling groan of satisfaction he sealed their union by emptying into his lover’s channel. 

When the aftershocks worked their way through him, he carefully pulled his softening cock out and staggered over to the bathroom to retrieve a warm wet cloth. After cleaning Jensen then himself up he collapsed onto bed next to Jensen. With drooping lids he gazed at his sleeping beauty leaving Jared breathless.

* * *

Jared woke up with the morning sun filtering in through the curtains and Jensen’s warm breath against his neck. He pulled Jensen’s sleep-warm body closer to his and kissed his temple. Jensen made a little noise and buried himself closer to Jared and deeper into the covers. Jared smiled. Seemed like his man wasn’t a morning person. He sighed and closed his eyes, breathing in the subtle scent of sweat and sex that still hung in the air. He replayed the events of the previous evening over in his head. He couldn’t imagine a more perfect time, good food, good beer, good company, and to cap it all off _amazing sex_. Jared couldn’t wait to do it again, only with Jensen as an active participant. Jared just bet Jensen was an animal. It always was the quiet ones that were wild. Jared could be wild himself, toppy as hell, but he had held back last night.

He lay quiet for a few more minutes before deciding that breakfast would be a good idea. He kissed Jensen once more before untangling them and slipping out of bed. Jensen was still dead to the world as Jared pulled on a pair of sweats and a wife-beater. He smiled before closing and locking the bedroom door behind him. 

Jensen was sitting up in bed, looking a little drowsy when Jared came back into the room with a breakfast tray for them to share. He didn’t know what Jensen might prefer so he made everything. There were eggs, fried and scrambled, bacon and sausage, pancakes, waffles, fruit, hash browns, toast and plenty of coffee. 

“Morning,” Jared said.

“This your place?” Jensen’s voice, rough with sleep, made Jared shiver as he sets the heavy tray down on the bed. 

“I wasn’t sure what you’d like so I made everything.” He climbed back into bed with Jensen and leaned in for a kiss. 

Jensen turned his head away. “What happened last night?” He shifted on the bed, grimacing.

“Did I hurt you? I thought I was careful, took my time.” He reaches out to run a hand down Jensen’s back. Jensen moves away.

“We slept together?” His brows scrunch together like the idea of them making love is impossible. Or worse: distasteful. Jared knew otherwise. Jensen’s own body told him so last night so he didn’t let it bother him. Too much.

“What do you think?” Jared nudged him with a shoulder.

“I don’t know what to think right now. I feel kinda out of it but not hungover and my ass is telling me I got fucked.”

That did bother Jared more than he wanted to admit that Jensen described their lovemaking as fucking. Might take a little more effort than he thought to get Jensen to fall for him. Jensen got out of bed looking around. Jared’s gaze swept over the smooth freckled expanse of Jensen’s back, down his trim waist, hips, and perfect ass. Jensen yanked up his wash worn jeans hiding his perfection from Jared’s eyes. He turned and faced Jared with confused eyes.

“What happened last night? I remember…you picking me up, going to the bar…eating…but not much after.”

“You had a bit too much to drink, got handsy, and well….” Jared stood and went to wrap his arms around Jensen. 

Jensen’s brows came together in a scowl. He raked a hand though his hair. “Jared, look, I like you. You seem like a nice guy, you’re fun to hang out with…what I can remember, but you are not my type.”

Jared felt the blood drain from his face. He staggered back, feeling as if the world had dropped away from his feet and he was Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Not his type? What did that mean, Jared wasn’t his type? What did that have to do with anything? They were meant for each other. Jensen has to see that, know that, _feel_ it. Jared shook his head, trying to clear it of the rampant thoughts and focus on Jensen, who was speaking again. 

“So whatever happened between us last night is not going to happen again and would never have happened if I had been sober.” He bent and plucked his shirt up from the floor and put it on.

Would never happen again and wouldn’t had Jensen been sober? That made it sound like Jared had done something wrong, taken advantage of Jensen and he hadn’t, _would never_ intentionally hurt Jensen. He loved Jensen more than he cared about himself. The accusation cut him like a knife. He rubbed his chest, the ache tangible. 

“Now, I want to go home.” He sidestepped Jared and made for the door. Jared blocked him. 

“I made breakfast.” He motioned to the abandoned food-laden tray on the bed. “You might feel better if you eat.” 

The line of Jensen’s shoulders tensed and the muscle in his jaw clenched. “I don’t want breakfast. I _want_ to go home.”

Jared reached out, wanting to caress him. “You _are_ home, Jen.”

Jensen shook his head, chiseled features twisted in a disbelieving frown. “What? You’re crazy and I’m outta here.”

“No!” Jared reached out and grabbed Jensen as he tried to get past him and out of the bedroom, and into the hallway. Jared didn’t see Jensen hauling his fist back, didn’t feel it until it connected with a wallop that had black spots popping in front of his eyes and his ears ringing.

“Back off!” Jensen growled. “I’m going home, goddamn it!”

Loath as he was to do it, Jared was taller than Jensen by at least three inches and outweighed him by forty or fifty pounds and still reeling from the powerful right hook Jensen landed. He grabbed out for whatever part of Jensen he could reach. What he got was a handful of sandy colored blond hair. Using Jensen’s forward momentum against him he flung the other man across the room. Jensen landed with a crash into the walnut dresser, the mirror wobbling ominously.

“I love you and this is your home now. _Our_ home.”

Jensen gazed openmouthed at Jared. He had an arm curled around his middle, where he had impacted against the heavy piece of furniture, before he seemed to collapse and land hard on his ass. 

“We’re gonna have such a great life together. Just wait and see.” He smiled, but didn’t feel it in his heart; it hurt too much after the things Jensen had said. He turned and left the master bedroom, locking the door behind him. The door was solid and would be hard for Jensen to kick in. He wasn’t worried about him getting out through a window, because in addition to the glass being shatterproof, they were all nailed shut. Time. Jensen just needed time. Jared could give him that. He had hoped he wouldn’t have lean so heavily on the chemical methods to make Jensen more receptive, but it seemed as if he would.

* * *

Jared sat at the small table in the kitchen, hands folded in front of him and head bowed, considering. The house had been quiet for most of the day. That had happened before, but the last time when he had gone up to check on Jensen, as soon as he poked his head in the door a lamp had been hurtled towards him and Jensen demanding to be let go in an expletive-laden rant. Jared got the hint and left him alone. He was not stupid. There was bound to be a period of adjustment for Jensen. He let him rage, scream, kick the door repeatedly. Heavy thumps reverberated through the house as he threw or overturned things. Jared weathered it like the storms that were so frequent in Texas. For nearly forty-eight hours the storm that was Jensen raged, gradually decreased in volume and violence until the house was silent, and remained so for the better part of the afternoon.

Jared rose to his feet, the chair legs scraping across the linoleum, and headed upstairs. When he reached their bedroom door he inspected the frame and found it had survived Jensen’s onslaught. Things in this house were built with care and craftsmanship that wasn’t found much anymore, built to last, and it had. Jared’s little improvement to the lock and door had probably helped as well.

He unlocked the door and pushed it open. He half-expected Jensen to snarl and run at the door, fist ready to clock Jared again, but something was keeping the door from opening fully. He poked his head in to see what looked like a war zone: mattress and box spring were off the bed, night tables turned over. The bureau’s six drawers had been removed and tossed around the room. The mirror was shattered. The clothes in the closet were strewn around and shredded. There were gouges and impact sites in the walls. Jared scanned the room, gaze falling on Jensen slumped against the wall underneath the window, head bowed, chin resting on his chest. Jared wasn’t sure if he was asleep or not. It wouldn’t surprise him if exhaustion had taken its toll on Jensen.

He pushed open the door, moved into the room, and over to Jensen. His breath caught in his throat when he saw that Jensen’s knuckles were swollen, and encrusted with blood. For the first time, Jared’s confidence in his plan began to waver. What if Jensen _didn’t_ come around? He shook his head at the thought. It…just wasn’t possible. They had so much in common and there was the off-the-charts chemistry between them. Jensen _would_ come around. Jared squatted down, reached out and ran his fingers through Jensen’s hair. Jensen made a noise of protest but didn’t lift his head.

“Oh, Jen.” He took one of Jensen’s wounded hands in his. He took it as a sign of encouragement that Jensen didn’t pull away. “It’s okay. I’mma take care of you.” He released Jensen’s hand and stood.

He hurried back downstairs. In the kitchen he gathered some ice, a bowl, and a couple of soft cloths. He made a stop to rifle through a duffle he had brought with him, extracting a first aid kit before heading upstairs to tend to Jensen. 

Jensen was exactly where Jared had left him. “I got some things to help with your hands, Jen. Just gimme a minute.” He went into the master bath and filled the bowl with warm water. He lathered up one cloth with antibacterial soap.

He sat cross-legged across from Jensen and took one of his bruised hands and began cleaning the cuts. 

“Jared, why are you doing this?” His voice was gravel-rough from all the shouting but without any inflection.

“Doing what? Taking care of you? Because I love you, and it hurts me that you’re hurt.” 

“You don’t love me, Jared. If you did, you wouldn’t keep me here.”

“This is your home.”

“No, it isn’t and people are going to notice when I don’t show up for work.”

“It’s all taken care of Jen.” Jared put aside the bloody cloth, dabbed the excess water off Jensen’s hands with the dry cloth. He rifled through the first aid kit to take out the bacitracin ointment.

“What the hell does that mean?”

Jared smoothed the medicine on Jensen’s knuckles. “Just that you don’t have to worry about anything.” He tried to catch Jensen’s eye, but his head was turned away. After he medicated the cuts he applied a couple of butterfly bandages to the worst of them. Jensen had probably put his fist through the dresser’s mirror. 

Slowly Jensen turned his head and his weary eyes met Jared’s. “Please let me go. We can forget all about this if you just let me go. We can even hang out sometimes. Go to that Hank’s place again. I liked that, didn’t you? Please, Jared.”

“You want something to eat?”

“No. I don’t want _anything_ from you. Ever.”

“Jensen. You’re going to get sick if you don’t eat. If you just give us a chance…”

“There is no us!” 

Jared sighed and moved away from Jensen. “I’m going to make you something to eat.” He wasn’t going to let Jensen’s defiance or gloomy mood deter him. He could even _understand_ it. Jensen was alone in a new place, new surroundings, of course he would be scared. They were meant for each other and Jensen was going to see that. He closed and locked the door behind him. He heard a guttural scream from the room before sobs began. It tore at him to hear Jensen crying but it was all part of the process. Jensen was in denial about them and once he worked through that he would see and realize that Jared was right about everything and then they could get on track and start their life. In a couple of months they would look back on this turbulent beginning and laugh.

* * *

Tears pricked the backs of Jared’s eyes as he moved around the kitchen, preparing what was most likely to be another uneaten meal. This was not going as well as he had hoped. He expected there would be some bumps, _some_ resistance from Jensen, but he didn’t think it would get this bad. By Jared’s reckoning Jensen hadn’t eaten in four days, since their date at Hanks. When Jared took him up a nice dinner of steak, baked potatoes, and mac and cheese, Jensen had taken the offered plate…only to hurl it at Jared. It had happened twice more, breakfast and afternoon snack, before Jensen just ignored Jared and the food altogether. Act of rebellion or depression about their living situation, Jared wasn’t sure, but it was worrying him to no end. He took little solace in the fact that Jensen drank water, so at least he wasn’t in danger of dehydration.

He finished up the fried chicken, not his best dish, but pretty good. He added some mixed veggies to the plate along with a piece of devil’s food cake and placed the dishes on the tray before heading upstairs. His stomach clenched. He bit his lower lip uncertain what to do if Jen didn’t eat soon. He could take him to a hospital but how would he explain why his lover wasn’t eating? Jensen would probably tell lies about Jared, deny their life together, or tell the nurses and doctors Jared was abusive. No, taking him to a hospital wasn’t an option. Jared thought he had planned for everything but he hadn’t taken Jensen’s stubbornness into consideration. He could slip him some of the pills to make him more receptive but Jared wasn’t sure Jensen would react to them, being malnourished. He flicked the deadbolt on the door and thumbed the lock in the knob and opened the door, dinner tray precariously balanced on his other palm.

“Jen, baby?” Jared peered inside. Jensen was in bed where Jared had placed him a couple of days ago after righting the box spring and mattress on the bed, back to him. “I brought dinner. Fried chi-chicken.” His voice hitched. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. He blinked and scalding tears slipped down his cheeks. He sat the tray down on the floor beside the bed and sat beside Jensen. He caressed one scruffy cheek. No response from Jensen, who continued to stare straight ahead. 

“Please, eat for me. I’m so worried about you, please. I know you’ve got to be starving.” Jared himself was ravenous because his appetite had taken a downslide right along with Jensen’s. He picked up the plate of food and wafted the hearty aroma to the despondent man. “Smells good, huh?” Jared sighed heavily, and sniffed. “I’m gonna leave the plate here for you. I’m sorry you’re so unhappy with our home, but you have to eat. Maybe if you eat you’ll feel better about things.” He bent and kissed the man’s cheek before he hurried from the room. 

He strode down the hall to the guest bathroom. As he splashed cool water on his face he made a decision. Living without Jensen wasn’t an option, but to continue to allow Jensen to starve himself, possibly to death, was not an option either. If Jen hadn’t eaten anything by tomorrow morning he was going to take Jensen back to his home in Jupiter. Jared would then go to his own home and blow his brains out.

* * *

Jared lay on the sofa staring at the ceiling, listening for any sound of Jensen moving above him, thinking, hoping. He hadn’t much hope left really. Bright early morning sunshine was coming in through the windows and filling the room with light and warmth but none of it touched him. He had been awake for most of the night, steeling himself for the task ahead. How was he supposed to do it? How was he supposed to let Jensen go? He found some consolation in the idea he wouldn’t have to live without him too long. It was a short drive from Jensen’s house to his. Not long at all. With that thought in mind he sat up, scrubbed a hand down his face before pushing to his feet. Shoulders slumped, moving like a man walking the last mile, he climbed the stairs.

Reaching their bedroom door he unlocked and opened it, expecting to find the plate of food untouched, but instead found it empty. Elation replaced the sorrow that had filled his heart. A little laugh escaped him. Jensen had eaten the food! Things were going to be okay! _They_ were going to be okay. He moved to the bedside and looked down at his partner and could see something was wrong. Jensen was curled in the fetal position, arms around his midsection, and a grimace twisting his full lips. A soft whimper reached Jared’s ears. Jared’s brows drew together in a frown. “Jen, baby? What’s wrong?”

Jensen’s eyes opened and found Jared’s. “Sto-stomach. Hurts.”

Jared nodded. He ran his fingers through Jensen’s greasy hair. “That’s my fault. I shouldn’t have brought you all that rich food last night. You haven’t eaten in nearly a week; it was too hard on your stomach. I’m so sorry, Jen. Forgive me? I was just desperate to get you to eat. Please say you’re not mad at me.”

“Not-not—” he broke off gagging and coughing. Knowing what was about to happen, Jared raced to the master bath and retrieved the waste can and placed it beside the bed as Jensen vomited. Jared sat on the edge of the bed, soothing hand on Jensen’s back as he coughed and spat. 

“It’s my fault. I’ll make it up to you, Jen. Got it all up? Feel better?”

“Ugh. Think so.”

“Good. How about you take a shower?” While Jensen had been tending to his basic bathroom needs, he hadn’t showered since they arrived. Jared loved the man, but he was getting a little ripe. “While you’re cleaning up, I can make you something easier on your stomach. Toast and tea? Maybe some broth? Sound good?” He flashed an encouraging smile.

Jensen spat into the bucket, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, before gazing up at Jared. Jared wasn’t sure what the emotion he saw in the man’s hazel green eyes but was happy for some spark of life. He could work with that. 

“Sounds good.”

Jared helped Jensen get to the bathroom and out of his clothes. Jensen sat on the closed lid of the toilet as Jared turned on the shower and adjusted it to a comfortable temperature. “There are plenty of towels and soap or body wash. Toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash there.” He waved a hand to indicate the sink. ”There is an electric razor in the medicine cabinet.” He bit his lip, considering the man. “Need me to help you into the shower? You’ll be okay alone?”

“Yeah. I’ll be okay.” He pushed to his feet and got into the shower.

Jared watched him stand under the spray for a few moments, determining that Jensen was indeed okay on his own before leaving him to it and heading downstairs.

He kept an ear out for a thump in case Jensen fell, as he bustled around the kitchen. He made a couple of lightly buttered slices of toast and nuked a can of broth in the microwave, not how he preferred to warm soup, but he wanted to get back up to Jensen as soon as he could. He set the kettle to boil, before heading back upstairs. As he entered their bedroom Jensen was emerging from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his hips, water running down his toned chest in rivulets. Jared longed to lick them away. He lost himself for a moment in a wonderful dream of he and Jensen crammed into the old claw-footed tub, hot water and rising steam enveloping them, maybe a couple of candles lit, Jensen leaning back against Jared’s chest, kissing his neck, maybe tweaking his nipples, his cock cradled in the crack of Jensen’s ass, Jensen being a little tease and rocking back against him. 

“Jared?”

Jensen’s scratchy voice pulled Jared from his dream, cock half-hard behind his zipper. He shook his head and smiled at Jensen. “Yeah? Brought you some beef broth and toast. Tea should be ready in a minute.”

“I…I need some clothes.”

“In the closet, Jen. There are some boxers and tanks in the bureau.” In order to keep his mind off of Jensen’s depression he had cleaned the room. “I hope everything fits. I’mma go and get your tea.”

“Coffee?”

Jared smiled, another sign that things were looking up. He had learned through reading Jensen’s Facebook posts that he was a coffee-junkie. “I don’t think that would be good for your stomach.”

Jensen nodded and went over to the closet, keeping a wary eye on Jared. It upset him that Jensen didn’t seem to trust him, but Jared would work on earning that trust soon enough.

“Back in a minute, Jen.”

He rushed through making tea and hurried back upstairs. When he came back into the room Jensen was dressed in jeans and a black tee. Jared had guessed at Jensen’s size but appeared he wasn’t too far off the mark. He took a minute to admire the way the jeans hugged that perfect ass and how the shirt clung to Jensen’s broad shoulders. Jensen was looking out the window. Jared sat the cup of tea on the tray next to the toast and bowl of broth. He went up behind Jensen and wrapped his arms around him, kissed the back of his neck. Jensen stiffened in his embrace for a moment before going lax. Jared rejoiced. More progress! 

“Where are we?” Jensen’s voice was listless.

“We are just outside the city of Lovington, New Mexico.”

“This some ranch or something?”

Jared rested his chin on Jensen’s shoulder and gazed out the window. “This was my grandfather’s horse farm. He bred Quarters, Paints, and Appaloosas. After his stroke he couldn’t take care of things anymore and no one was interested in taking over the business so it sorta petered away. Plenty of folks wanted to buy the place but Paps wouldn’t sell. Wanted me to have it. I know you and me can get the farm back to its glory days. Paps’d be happy we’re here.” Jared gave his lover a squeeze before he released him. “Better eat before it gets cold, Jen.”

Jensen turned away from the window. “What about Icarus? He’s been alone in the house for days…can’t…can't you take me to see him? Please?”

“He’s being looked after, Jen, don’t worry. I told you I took care of everything. He’s at the kennel and when we’re settled here I’ll go and get him and bring him home. Maybe we can even get a friend for him. It’s been awhile since I had a dog. I think I’m ready.”

Jensen sighed, looked down and away. 

“Get into bed, Jen, and eat.”

After Jensen finished most of his meal, Jared brought up the television and spent the rest of the day looking after Jensen and watching movies. Jensen was quiet and compliant. It wasn’t exactly the way Jared pictured things, but after the last few days, Jared thought he could deal with it. He had broken through. Things would only get better from here.

* * *

Jared’s hand shook as he tipped the contents of the vial into the glass of Ginger Ale. He wanted things to be the way they had been during their date at Hanks and the night of lovemaking they had shared, but Jensen just seemed to have slipped deeper into his depression. Jared had assumed once Jensen ate he would feel better and their relationship would be on the upswing, but that had not come to pass. They went to bed together every night, but Jensen slept as far away from Jared as possible and when Jared tried to initiate intimacy Jensen shied away. It was a special kind of torture to know Jensen was asleep next to him, but also know his touch was not welcome. He ached to touch and kiss, mark that tanned, freckled skin, hear his soft little moans, and feel him writhe under him as he brought them both to heights of ecstasy. Jared had hoped he wouldn’t need anything to tip the scales so to speak, but it seemed Jensen wouldn’t allow himself to let go the way he had their first night together. He didn’t want Jensen to be in an altered state, didn’t want Jensen to just lay there and take it.

Jared went back up to their bedroom carrying the lunch tray, grilled cheese sandwiches and potato chips, careful not to spill their drinks. In the couple of weeks he and Jensen had been together Jared had gotten quiet adroit at balancing the tray on his palm as he unlocked the door. Jensen was sitting up in bed staring blankly at the television playing some court show or other. Jared sat the tray down and climbed into bed with Jensen. 

Jensen ate mechanically and Jared kept an eye on him as he drank.

“Jared, you…you said you took care of everything before you brought me here. What did you mean? Did you…did you hu-hurt my family?”

“What?” Jared was horrified Jensen would assume him capable of such a thing. “No! Never! I just put a call into the school telling them you had been injured in an accident. They sent their well wishes and found a sub to cover for you. See? Nothing to worry about. Once we get things sorted between us you can call and give them your resignation.”

Silence fell as they ate and watched as the judge on television called the litigant an “idiot”. Jared didn’t see how they got away with it. Not much respect for a fellow human, just because the judge wore a robe didn’t mean they should be able to humiliate someone on camera. Jared shook his head and turned off the TV.

“Jay, about us, I’d like you to meet my parents. Maybe we can do that soon? I think they’d like you.”

Jared smiled and kissed Jensen. “I’d like that, too. You really think they’d like me?”

Jensen smiled, skin crinkling at the corners of his eyes in an endearing way. “I really do.” His throat worked as he swallowed. He blinked slowly. “Can…can we go now?”

Jared gazed at Jensen. The G must be hitting him. Jared put an arm around him. “Not just yet. We need to settle in as a couple a little more.” He nuzzled his neck, tip of his tongue coming out to taste skin.

“Hmm. Kinda…feel funny.”

Jared removed the tray from the bed and settled closer to his lover. “S’good, though, right.” He slipped a hand up Jensen’s shirt to rub his thumb across a nipple. Jensen moaned, smacked his lips. Jared would have to make sure Jensen drank some water to keep him hydrated.

“Jay…” Jensen slurred, head lolling on his neck to look at Jared with eyes that were quickly dilating. 

“Shh,” Jared soothed, leaning in and brushing his mouth across Jensen’s. Jensen pushed against Jared’s chest with clumsy hands. Jared brushed them aside and wrapped his arms around Jensen, pushing him back onto the plush bed. He licked his way into Jensen’s mouth, tasting salt and a hint of sweetness from their lunch. Jensen turned his head to the side.

“Jay, please. I’m not…I don’t…”

Jared pulled back. “I got you, Jen. Just let go and enjoy.” He rucked up Jensen’s shirt to expose his sensitive nipples. He bent and licked the nub, causing it to harden. Jensen twisted under him.

“Stahhpp,” Jensen slurred, hands slapping at Jared’s shoulders.

Jared rose up, gathered Jensen’s wrists in one hand, raised them above his head and held them there as he captured Jensen’s mouth in a deep and dirty kiss, tongue-fucking him until the need for air became too great. He released his wrists and moved south again, not stopping until his breath teased over the strained fabric covering Jensen’s erection. No matter what Jensen said, he wanted what they had, wanted him, wanted them, wanted _this_. He couldn’t lie. Jared didn’t waste any time stripping him of his underwear exposing Jensen’s hard gorgeous cock. His mouth watered. A wave of arousal washed over him. Jared’s been with plenty of men, mostly one nighters, but he’s never felt that pull, that white-hot flare of lust, need, and want that Jensen elicited. The desire to possess completely, protect, love and hurt anyone who would threaten their life. He brushed a kiss across the crest of Jensen’s hip.

“Jaayy, ple’s.”

Jared glanced up to and saw Jensen gazing down at him with shimmering eyes. “Just let go, okay? I’m gonna take care of you, and it’s gonna be so good, but you have to let me.” 

Jared ducked down and sucked Jensen’s cock into his mouth; taking him deep, cheeks hollowed out, before pulling back and swirling his tongue over the head. Jensen mewled and bucked his hips. Jared’s other hand came up to cradle his balls, rolling them gently, and he reached one finger further to press against the small patch of skin behind them. A flush spread down Jensen’s neck and chest as his breathing hitched. Jared stroked the wrinkled skin before removing his hand and pulling off his cock with a dirty-wet pop. He leaned over and fumbled for the lube in the nightstand. He flicked the cap and drizzled a generous amount over his fingers. He set the bottle aside, but within easy reach. He pushed Jensen’s legs wider apart, pressed his slick fingers against Jensen’s entrance, circled, then sank in. Jensen shifted beneath him, legs restless and moving to close. Jared leaned down to kiss Jensen’s throat, nipping at his skin. “Still, baby,” he breathed into his skin, cheeks getting a little stubble burn. A little noise bubbled up from Jensen’s throat and he turned his head away.

Jared spent several long minutes fingering and stretching his lover, the sound slick and wet from the abundance of lube he used mixing with the soft sleepy moans issuing from Jensen’s parted lips once he found and played with his prostate until Jensen was writhing against his hand, hips rocking down, moaning wantonly. It was music to Jared’s ears.

He pulled his fingers from Jensen’s body to replace them with his aching cock in a long slow push. He withdrew slowly only to slide back in to the hilt in one smooth move. Jensen cried out eyes opening and glassy when they locked with Jared’s. Jared bent and kissed his plush mouth cutting off any words.

He rolled his hips, allowing Jensen to adjust to the intrusion before he started up a rhythm, slow at first then building in speed and strength, pleasure building to a steady boil. He gripped Jensen’s cock, stroked it in rhythm with the thrusts of his hips. Jensen came with a groan, spurting hot and think over Jared’s hand and splashing on his own belly. Jared hiked Jensen’s legs higher up and rutted into him, mindless in his pleasure, Jensen’s slick hot channel spasming around him, driving him ever closer to the edge of bliss. He came with a stifled shout, muscles locking up as he spent into Jensen’s body before collapsing in a heap on top of his lover. Once his breathing calmed he withdrew from Jensen’s body. He wrapped his arms around Jen and held him tight. 

The other man began to tremble and he heard little hitched sobs. “I know, Jen. All this is intense for me, too. I love you so much it hurts. I don’t know what I did before we found each other.” He kissed the neck of the man he adored and held him as he cried.


	3. Chapter 3

Jared entered their bedroom with a smile as he sat the breakfast tray down on the bed. Jared kissed Jensen good morning again as he got back into bed. Jared poured a generous amount of syrup over his flapjacks and offered the warm bottle to Jensen.

“Jared, this is my home but I really miss Icky. Can’t we go to the kennel and get him? I think he’d really like it here. Lots of room to run and play.”

“Soon, Jen. I promise. It will be nice to have a dog around the house again.” Jared gazed down at his flapjacks. He thought back to when his mutt had been alive, always there to greet him when he came home, even when he was old and beginning to succumb to sickness, a companion to run with, play with, to be there and love him with no conditions. 

“Jay? What…what’s wrong?”

He shrugged. “Just thinkin’ about my old dog Harley.”

“Is he here?”

Jared’s throat closed up. Harley had been gone for two years but the pain of his loss was still fresh. “No,” he whispered. “He…he had cancer and I had to put…. I had to put him down couple years ago.” He squeezed his eyes shut and a tear slipped down his cheek. “Shit.” He opened his eyes and swiped a fist across his eyes. “I’d had him since he was a pup. Losing him was devastating.”

Jensen rested an arm across Jared’s shoulders. “I’m sorry.” 

“For a long time he’d been my only friend, always there for me, even after everyone else abandoned me.”

“Abandoned you?”

“Mom died when I was six. Dad didn’t want much to do with me or my brother and sister, except for when he wanted to smack us around. Paps took us in when I was fourteen and a year later he gave me Harley. Jeff and Megan left here as soon as they could but not me. I like it here. That’s why I want us to have a life here, Jen. This was a happy place for me.”

Jensen nodded, eyes warm and sympathetic. Jared tried hard to forget his troubled youth, overcome it, and he thought most times he did a good job. He’d gone to college on academic scholarship, gotten a job out of school, and held down his steady job at Sheppard’s Drugs & Sundries for nine years. But finding and falling in love with Jensen had made him realize how alone he had been and turned his world upside down in the best way. 

“You know, Jay, I haven’t seen much of our home other than our bedroom and what’s out the window. This is a big place, from what I can guess. I want to help make our house a home, help get our farm up and running. You know when I was younger I worked on a ranch for a couple of summers. I can help. I want to help.”

“It’ll be so great, Jen! When I was in college I thought about studying to be an equine vet or animal husbandry, but Paps had his stroke and the business dwindled so that plan changed.”

Jensen pulled Jared closer to him, kissed his temple. “Don’t think about it if it makes you sad. Just think about us and our life here.”

“I love you so much, Jensen. I’m so glad you’re here.” He leaned in and took Jensen’s mouth in a kiss. 

“So? How about giving me a tour of the place?” Jensen asked when the kiss broke.

Jared rested his forehead against Jensen’s. “I dunno, Jen. This place has been empty for years. I really only have our bedroom furnished. Kinda ashamed for you to see the rest of the house.” He shrugged and ducked his head. “It’s mostly empty. What I didn’t keep, I sold off or donated to the Goodwill, didn’t’ think I’d ever need it, and having some of his things in my own place…well, it hurt, ya know?” Jensen nodded in understanding. “The grounds are in bad shape, too.”

Jensen kissed his neck, a little nibble that had Jared’s blood heating. “I don’t care about that. We can make it a great place again. I want to see everything. Show me.” He pulled back and met Jared’s eyes again. “Please, baby?”

Jared rubbed his nose with Jensen’s, heart trip-hammering in his chest. “Okay, but don’t expect anything as nice as in here.”

Jensen nodded, eyes bright. “I’m sure it's fine.”

Jared got out of bed and Jensen followed. Jared took Jensen’s hand and led him to the door. Jensen smiled as they walked into the hallway. Jared squeezed his hand. “House has four bedrooms and two baths.” Jared indicated a door a little further down the hall and to the left of their bedroom, and a couple of doors across the hall. “A linen closet there.” He pointed to a door at the end of the hall. “Attic access there. Paps kept an office downstairs to keep track of the business, but we could move the office into one of the spare bedrooms and turn the office into a home theatre or game room. Sound good?”

“Yeah. Can I see it? I have a pool table in storage we could use.”

Jared smiled. “Yeah, sure. Kitchen is big and bright, looks out over the paddocks. It’ll need some updating, of course. New cabinets and fixtures for the most part. The plumbing is solid, all copper pipes.” Jared led the way down the hall and to the staircase. Jensen tagged along behind, opening a door and peering into the other room. Jared loved the interest Jensen was finally showing in their home. For the first time he allowed himself to hope that his plan was working and Jensen felt the pull between them and was falling in love. “Empty rooms I’m afraid, but between your furniture and mine we should be able to furnish the house the way we want. I’ve saved practically every dollar I’ve made so I have a nice nest egg if you want to buy all new furniture.” The wood floors creaked under their feet. It was a nice homey sound to Jared. 

“There are some pieces I’d like to keep.” 

“Anything you want, Jensen,” Jared said over his shoulder as he began to descend the stairs. “There is a fireplace in what used to be Pap’s office and an old iron pot belly stove in the living room.”

Jensen hummed.

Jared wasn’t sure what happened. There was pressure against his back. His feet went out from beneath him. His arms pinwheeled to try to regain his balance, but he was falling. The breath left his lungs. His body battered as he tumbled down the stairs. The lip of each step dug into his back, sides, thighs, even buffeting his head. He landed breathless and bruised, head spinning. It felt like he was still falling, even though he could feel the hard wood under him. He struggled to open his eyes and regain some equilibrium. There were pounding footsteps descending the stairs. He reached out blindly and grasped a handful of denim.

“No!” Jensen growled and kicked, bare foot landing solidly in Jared’s gut. On instinct, Jared grabbed the foot and held on with all his strength. Why was Jensen doing this? He had been so interested in their home. It was a lie? Why would he lie, betray the trust Jared had placed in him? Didn’t he understand how much Jared loved him? Didn’t he know Jared would do anything he asked? Why was he hurting Jared like this? What had he done to make him so unhappy? 

Jared tugged on his leg. Jensen cried out before he landed with a thud near Jared. 

“Lemme go, you crazy motherfucker!” Jensen kicked out. Jared held on. There was no way he was letting Jensen run off like this. They could work this out. It was just a misunderstanding. He loved Jensen and Jensen loved him back. He had to. 

Another feral growl before a fist connected with Jared’s temple, sending him reeling, but he would not relinquish the iron hold he hand on Jensen’s calf. He tugged him closer.

“Goddamn you!”

Repulsed but left with no other choice Jared struck out with a fist, connecting with a crunch on Jensen’s cheekbone. There was a soft gasp from Jensen. Jared swung again and Jensen went out. Jared howled in anger, disbelief, and grief at having had to strike the person he loved more than anything.

* * *

Jared stared into the flames. The house was quiet now. Jensen had shouted obscenities when he came to a couple of days ago and Jared left him to it. He was bruised from his fall down the stairs, he had a slight headache from the punch Jensen had landed but it wasn’t any worse than what his father used to dole out. Besides, his injuries weren’t important—when he thought about the hell of a shiner Jensen was sporting from where Jared had slugged him, guilt clawed at his insides. Jared had placed an icepack over the wounded eye as soon as he had gotten Jensen back into their bedroom.

He thought they had been making progress, they had made love, they talked and shared things but it had all been a lie, a ruse to earn Jared’s trust so Jensen could leave. He couldn’t figure out why Jensen would want to leave. Jared was trying to make their home the best he could by himself. The house wasn’t fancy but it was theirs, free and clear. What more could he do? He sighed, ran a hand through his hair. 

The only thing that seemed to make Jensen let go and show his true feelings for Jared was the G. Jensen was relaxed and open when the stuff kicked in. Why was Jensen fighting his feelings so hard when he wasn’t given any? Jared’s supply of G was very low but he did have several E tablets and some herbal concoctions he purchased online, supposed to have the same effect as G according to the users on the message board. Jared pushed to his feet. Moving like an old man he made his way into the kitchen and opened the little cabinet above the stove. He plucked out the bottle containing the E. He would give Jensen a couple, just to get him to let go, give in to his true feelings. He nodded to himself, set out four tablets and started to prepare dinner.

Half an hour later he headed upstairs with their dinner tray. The past couple of days he had let Jensen have his meals in peace but not today. 

“Dinner,” he said with a smile that he didn’t feel as he entered their bedroom. Jensen was still secured to the bed with a handcuff. The urinal bottle on the night table needed to be emptied.

Jensen kicked out as Jared neared the bed with the tray. “Fuck you and your dinner!”

Jared sighed, avoiding looking at Jensen because he couldn’t bear seeing the black eye he had given him, though it was beginning to turn from deep purple to red and yellow, not to mention the bruise on his wrist from the handcuff. Restraining Jensen was a step Jared was loathe to take, but he couldn’t trust him now. “Angel hair pasta with a light sauce of garlic, herbs and parmesan. I have a nice bottle of wine to go with it.” 

“I don’t want _food_! I want to _leave_!”

Jared looked at Jensen then. “Jen, _please_ …just....” Words got caught in his throat. _Love me_. “Please eat.” He sat the tray on the bed, half expecting Jensen to kick at it, but he didn’t. Instead he glared mutinously at the steaming plate of pasta. Jared took the opportunity to collect the urinal and empty it out in the bathroom. As he washed it, he heard the clink of cutlery on ceramic. He breathed a sigh of relief. 

He went back to the bedroom and find Jensen eating, eyes watching Jared as he moved to set the urinal back down on the night table. He took the other plate of pasta and sat down in the arm chair a few feet from the bed, away from Jensen and his kicking feet. 

Jensen finished eating first, setting his plate back on the tray. Jared mostly picked at his food; his appetite had waned in the last couple of days. He put his plate back on the tray and removed it, heading to the door.

“Jay?”

Jared turned to see Jensen with an uncomfortable look on his face. “Yeah?”

“Can…can you take this off me?” He rattled the cuff. “I need to use the bathroom, maybe have a shower even? Please?”

Jared looked at the clean urinal but knew that wouldn’t suffice for other bathroom needs. He sat the tray on the dresser and cautiously approached Jensen. Jensen’s face had a dull flush. “Please? I’mma embarrass myself here in a minute, man.” Jared pulled out the tiny handcuff key, half expecting, maybe even wanting, Jensen to hit him, but instead, as the cuff opened, Jensen was up and off the bed, beating a hasty retreat into the bathroom. Jared picked up the tray again, closed and locked the door behind him. Maybe by showing Jensen this little amount of trust they could get back to where they had been. 

Jared heard the pipes rattle as he piled the dishes into the sink and knew Jensen was taking a shower. Jared wiped his hands on the towel before heading back upstairs. He wasn’t sure how the E would affect Jensen, or if it would at all. The G was easy to slip him because of the liquid form, but Jensen had eaten the pasta and the small tablets hadn’t been detected. Jared remained downstairs for half an hour, giving the pills time to take effect and Jensen to relax. 

When he entered their bedroom Jensen was lying on the bed naked, skin shimmering in the fading light of twilight coming in through the window. Beautiful toned chest moving up and down evenly. A low thrum of arousal began to burn in Jared’s blood. He swallowed and approached the bed. He reached out, fingers trailing down that chest in a gentle caress. Jensen’s lids fluttered and he purred. “Mmm, feels good.”

“That’s all I wanna do, Jen, love you and make you feel good.” _Why won’t you let me?_ He stripped off his clothes and climbed into bed with Jensen. He made love to his partner, taking his time, drawing out those throaty moans from the man beneath him. Jensen let go, rode the wave of drug-induced sensation. Jared whispered words of love and devotion and if he sounded like he's begging it’s only because of the mind blowing pleasure. He made sure Jensen found his release first before taking his own, almost as an afterthought. 

He cuddled up next to Jensen aware he should be basking in afterglow but it wasn’t there. What was were the beginnings of doubt and fear. Of what he didn’t know. 

Or maybe he did.

* * *

Jared settled them into a routine. He allowed Jensen his freedom of movement around their bedroom, but not out of it. He brought Jensen breakfast and lunch. Sometimes Jensen ate, sometime he threw the offered meal at Jared with curses. Sometimes Jared dosed Jensen with G or E and made love to him. Sometimes he didn’t. When he doesn’t, it’s because there was an evil little voice whispering, growing louder each passing day, that there never was anything between them and never would be. There was something between them. There had to be. If not…Jared shuddered at the implications.

* * *

Jensen was sprawled on the bed, compliant beneath Jared as he kissed and nuzzled at his throat as he worked three fingers deep into Jensen’s body. He moaned softly, lids fluttering, hips moving in rhythm with Jared’s hand.

He was so responsive. No way he wasn’t as into this as Jared was. 

_The drugs are designed to make him responsive. That’s why you bought them, remember?_ Jared’s mouth turned down in a frown as he withdrew his fingers from Jensen’s body. He pushed down the thought that making love to Jensen was always one sided. Jensen was not pleading with Jared for more, harder, faster, or clutching at him with fingers digging into his muscles. When he kissed him Jensen’s lips moved in a sloppy half-hearted attempt to return the kiss. He slicked his cock and pushed into Jensen’s body with one smooth slide, eyes closing as the tight heat gripped him and his heart thudded. 

"You love me. I know you do.” He whispered variations of this over and over like a mantra as he made love to Jensen. When he came the pleasure was distant to the pit opening in his stomach, threatening to swallow him whole. He took care to clean Jensen up and tuck him in. He caught himself about to press a kiss to his parted lips, but pulled back. He settled for running his fingers through the soft, short spikes of Jensen’s hair whispering, “love you, Jen,” before leaving the room, wanting be alone with his thoughts at the same time he didn’t. Realization began to dawn like the sun after a long, dark night, or maybe a thunderstorm that turns the sky black, and he can see the devastation of the passing storm in the unforgiving daylight.

* * *

He ran out of E on a Wednesday. He thought about the documents he found online about manufacturing G. He had a degree, the chemicals were easy to get, and process wasn’t too intricate, but he still had the bottles of herbal concoctions he bought online that ravers swore by. He looked at the bottle. Expensive fucking things and if he gave Jensen the recommended dosage he’ll run out quick.

_Maybe that’s not such a bad thing._

Jared shook his head, dropping the last tablets of E into Jensen’s glass of sweet tea. After this he’s going to have to try the herbal pills, but he’s not entirely sure what’s in them. The website he bought them from had listed a few things, but, really, who knows? Giving Jensen designer drugs was one thing, but giving him something when he himself doesn’t even know the source? He swallowed. Looked up to the ceiling, Jensen was up there. What if the pills did something to him, something Jared didn’t want? Then what? 

He waited for the E to dissolve as he went about fixing lunch. Twenty minutes later, he headed upstairs to their bedroom with their lunch tray. He unlocked the door and entered to see Jensen sitting on the bed weeping, head held in his hands, pathetic little whimpers escaping him, body bouncing as he tried to suppress the sounds of his sobbing. Jared set the tray of soup and sandwiches down on the dresser and went to sit beside Jensen. Instead of calming Jensen, Jared’s presence seemed to make Jensen’s crying intensify. 

“Shh, it’s okay, baby. I’m here. Everything is okay.” He held him tight and kissed his temple.

“I wan’ go home. I miss my dog. I miss my Momma.” He gave a mighty sniff and raised pleading eyes to Jared’s. He reached out, hand fisting in Jared’s blue plaid shirt. “Please let me go. I _swear to God_ I’ll never tell.”

Jared has seen Jensen scream, throw things in defiance, but never seen him like this. Jensen looks shattered, broken, face ashen and eyes wide and glittering with a film of tears. Jared can’t do it anymore. His carefully constructed plan to make Jensen fall in love came crashing down like a collapsing skyscraper, crushing him under the rubble. He can’t breathe. One thought flashing in his mind like a marquee for a Hollywood movie: _Jen doesn’t love me_. And he’s done the one thing he thought he’d never do. He had hurt Jensen. 

He felt like Carrie at the prom, only he doesn’t have anyone to lose his rage on, only himself. Jensen is broken and _he_ is to blame. He broke him so completely, reduced this proud gorgeous man to a shadow of his former self, sobbing begging like a child for his momma. 

Jared felt like he was moving in slow motion as he moved away from Jensen. Jensen gazed up at him, the light that Jared fell in love with was gone from his eyes, extinguished by Jared, by his confinement. Jared’s chest ached. The pit inside him opened a little wider, pulling him in like a black hole. He can’t escape now. What has he done? 

_Kidnap. Rape._

Jared staggered back. He couldn’t feel his own feet as he moved. Every event from the last month played over in his mind. 

“Jared?”

Jared couldn’t guess what Jensen saw on his face that made him sober up, and he doesn’t care, he just had to get away from here. 

His mouth opened and closed. There was nothing he could say; no apology he could make that would even begin to right this grievous wrong. His chest felt as if it was caught in a vice. His head spun. “I…I can’t. I…Jensen I….I’m _sorry_.” With that he bolted from the bedroom, slamming and locking the door because it was automatic and raced down the stairs and out of the house. 

 

He ran, long legs eating up the ground until the house was far behind him and the overgrown grasses of the farm around him, but he can’t outrun the knowledge of his sins. The isolation made everything worse, brought it into sharper focus, unbearable clarity. His mind screamed recriminations at him. Vivid images of Jensen devastated and weeping assault him. He can hear his pleas loud as thunderclaps in his ears. God, what is he? The weights had slipped from his eyes and he could see. He’s a rapist. A _monster_. 

_Please let me go. I swear to God I’ll never tell._

_I wan’ go home. I miss my dog. I miss my Momma._

_I wan’ go home._

_Home_ which was _not_ with Jared and never would be. Home was Jupiter or maybe even Dallas. Wherever home was, it was far away from Jared. The pain in his cheat reached a fever pitch as if he had been run through with a red-hot poker. The muscles in his legs burn protesting each move and he fell to his knees. He fisted his hair as the howl of a wounded animal ripped through the air. Panting, attempting to recover, he realized the cry issued from his own throat.

Remorse and regret sink their claws into him, like a bear tearing into a camper’s rucksack in search of food. He couldn’t run away from this pain. He was in a Hell of his own making but knew it cannot compare to the Hell Jensen has been going through; isolated, alone, and at Jared’s mercy. He must have been terrified when he realized he wasn’t going to be able to leave, that there was no way out of that room, and Jared had been so blinded by his fantasy, his fixation, with Jensen he hadn’t been able to see it. He screamed again, tearing at his hair. He didn’t think it was possible to feel this kind of pain and still go on living. He wished he had broken his neck when Jensen pushed him down those steps. Jensen would be free and Jared would be out of his misery. The thought of living without Jensen wrings another cry from him. He’s not sure he can do that, doesn’t want to. 

He didn’t know how long he stayed outside, long enough for the sun to set and paint the sky in breathtaking shades of gold, pink, and red before fading from deepest blue to inky black. The moon replaced sun and the stars came out to play. They looked so vibrant and alive but Jared knows in reality they are long dead. Just like his dreams of a happy future with Jensen. He needed to get back to the house. There are snakes, coyotes, and wolves that roam, not that he much cares if he got eaten alive, he deserved it, but he had to deal with Jensen.

He made his way back to the house, soul and body feeling disconnected. A lead ball settled in his stomach and grew heavier the closer he got to—well, not _home_ —the farm house. He let himself in and listened. All was quiet. There was no urge to go upstairs and look in on Jensen. He walked to the coat closet near the front door. He took out the lockbox with the gun in it. His hands shook as he set it down. He unlocked it and pulled the gun out. It sat cold and heavy in his hand. He lifted his head and met his sad eyes in the mirror. All he had ever wanted was someone to love him. He’d been looking for that since he could remember. His mom may have loved him but he doesn’t remember her well and what he remembers of his father could never be construed as love. Paps loved him, so had Harley, but that wasn’t the kind of love he longed for. Maybe something was wrong, rotten, _inside_ him. Something that made his father abuse him, friends drift away, and boyfriends dump him, and he didn’t know it. There had to be a reason why he always ended up alone, right? He had so much love to give but no one wanted what he had to offer, certainly not Jensen. Maybe he gave off some aura or vibe he wasn’t aware of, or maybe it was something simpler. Maybe he didn’t _deserve_ love. 

He griped the gun tight for a moment before tucking it down the back of his jeans. He trudged over to the sofa and collapsed on it, staring at his folded hands in his lap. He couldn’t hear Jensen moving around above him. Wondered if he was asleep. He hoped if he was that his dreams were pleasant but he doubted it. With a sigh, he lay down but didn’t think sleep would come.

* * *

“Jared! Jared! Are you here?”

Jared’s eyes snapped open at the sound of Jensen bellowing. He grunted as he sat up. 

“Jared! Please! Answer me!” 

Jensen’s voice had a tone that Jared has never heard, not anger despite the volume, but something else. He bolted up and off the couch, heartbeat speeding up, tripping over his own feet in his haste to get to him worried that maybe Jensen was sick or hurt driving him up the stairs.

“Jensen?” Jared unlocked the door and burst inside. His shoulders slumped and relief took hold as he saw Jensen appeared to be well enough. “I’m here. What’s wrong?” 

Jensen licked his lips. “I…you…you left like the devil was on your heels yesterday.”

Jared moved into the room sliding into the chair across from the bed. “You don’t have to act concerned, Jensen. I get it now. You don’t love me, you never did. It was all in my head, and now you never will love me.”

Jensen pulled a face before his features morphed into something wary. Why shouldn’t he be wary? Jared had done nothing up abuse him. He felt the .9mm pressing heavily into the small of his back, reminding him what he must to. Jared has to end this. He pushed to his feet. “But it’s okay. I can fix things.”

Jared withdrew the gun tucked down the back of his jeans.

Jensen’s already pale face drained of even more color. His throat worked as he swallowed. “Whoa, Jared.” His voice was low and calm despite the way his hands were shaking as he held them out. “Put the gun away.”

Jared’s throat closed up. He knew what he had to do. “It’s okay, Jensen. I’ll go and you can leave. Just…be happy okay?” His vision blurred. He blinked and felt tears burn tracks down his cheeks. 

"Jared, please. Put the gun away. You haven’t done anything that can’t be taken back, anything that's unforgivable."

A little sob bubbled up Jared's throat and out. "Right. Because kidnap and rape are so excusable."

Jensen flinched and it wounded Jared like a lance. "Jared, you’re a good guy, I know you are. If you have problems, if you need help with something, I want to help. Please, put the gun down, come over here, and _talk_ to me. Sit beside me. You can put your head in my lap and tell me about yourself. You can do anything you want, just put the gun down."

Jared looked at Jensen, wanting to see love or concern all he saw was fear. Jensen was so afraid of him. “What I want is to not _hurt_ you anymore. I mean, all I've done is hurt you. I can't do it anymore. I _won't_.” He turned the gun on himself, pressing the steel barrel tight under his chin.

"Jared, no! For the love of God, stop! Please!” Jensen’s words were thick with tears. "Jared, please. Listen to me. Put the damn gun down. Get in bed with me and we can talk. We can work this out. I can help you. I _want_ to help you. I can even _forgive_ you Jared. I _do_ forgive you."

"It doesn't matter that you can forgive me, Jensen. I can't forgive myself. Look at what I've...I’ve been doing to you. Oh, God!” Jared turned his head as he gagged, feeling bile rising in his throat. All the psychological trauma he had inflicted on Jensen from the rapes and confinement, and he had probably gotten Jensen addicted to the drugs he kept dosing him with, in the lame desperate hope that they would make Jensen fall in love with him...Jensen would never be the same.

“You love me, right? What about me? How am I supposed to deal with the fact that you killed yourself because of me? You want to put that on me? You want me to live the rest of my life with that guilt? Leave me so every time I close my eyes I see you blowing your brains out? Put the gun down.”

Jared hadn’t thought of that. Christ, he can’t even do this right! Jensen is right. Jared doesn’t want Jensen to have to live with more pain than he had already inflicted on him. After all the trauma Jared has inflicted on Jensen, the emotional scars will never heal. He’ll never be able to move on. The damage he’s done to Jensen is too great. He’s violated his body, and polluted his mind with drugs. And for what? Some half-assed misguided attempt to make Jensen fall in love with him. 

An idea occurred to him, as repulsive as it was romantic. A way to spare Jensen any further pain, and set both of them free. No one will miss him and while people will mourn for Jensen, they’ll move on. It was an act of mercy. A blessing. A final act of love. A way to right all the wrongs and absolve his sins. In freeing Jensen, he’ll pay his penance as well. It won’t be so bad. They’ll go together. 

Jared inched the gun away from his chin.

Jensen gave an encouraging smile. "Yeah, that's good Jared.” Jensen slowly stood up. "Come here.” He opened his arms to Jared. "It'll be okay, now. C'm here."

Jared wanted nothing more than to go to Jensen, be welcomed in his embrace, but Jared knew it would just be a lie. Jensen didn’t love him and never would. 

Jared nodded decisively. “You’re right, Jensen. It will be okay.” Summoning all his strength and resolve, he lifted the gun and aimed at Jensen’s heart. 

“Jared, no! No! Don—”

The gunshot was loud but drowned out by Jared’s heartrending scream as Jensen fell back onto the bed, a deep red stain blossoming at the center of his still chest, growing larger. 

Jensen’s blood. 

He’s so lightheaded. His vision swam. He couldn’t breathe. Before he passed out or changed his mind he moved forward in jerky little steps. He all but collapses onto the bed beside Jensen when he reached it. His chest hurt as if he were the one with a bullet buried in it. Soul-deep sobs pour from him as he gathers Jensen in his arms, tucking him close. He’s still warm and pliant. If not for the blood soaking through the sheets, making the hand he had pressed to Jensen’s back slippery with it, Jared could almost believe Jensen was alive. He kissed Jensen once, twice. Ridiculous as it is he finds himself hoping that Jensen will miraculously wake up like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. He pulled back, closed Jensen’s empty staring eyes. 

Jared had never been a particularly religious man but he does believe in an afterlife, a place you go and live in your happiest time. His happiest time was here with Paps and Harley, and here with Jensen when he had still been laboring under the delusion that he could make the other man fall for him. Maybe…maybe when it’s all over he and Jensen will be together after all. Paps, hale and hearty, running the farm, Jared with Jensen by his side to help and Harley and Icarus running around. Perfect. Jared closed his eyes, focused on that happy thought as he pressed the gun to his temple. The barrel was still hot and burned him as he squeezed the trigger.


End file.
